I’m Smaller Than I Think


I have never been overweight a single day in my life, but since everything is relative, and since there is tremendous pressure on fitness models and competitors to be extremely lean, I definitely experience fat days. You know those days when you just feel fluffy, bloated, tubby, like a stuffed sausage? Yep, I have those days too. However, I guess I am retaining less water, mostly due to following a pretty clean food regimen, and as a result have been awarded with a tighter appearance. My measurements are still the same, yet a bunch of people have asked me if I lost weight, and will tell me I look tiny.

I got confirmation of my tiny dimensions lately when I tried on two different articles of clothing in my closet. One item was a pair of jean leggings from Hue which I had purchased in a size Small, based on online reviews which suggested that someone with my dimensions (5’5″ tall, 120 pounds, 24 inch waist, 34 inch hips) would fit better into a Small than an X-Small. Much to my surprise, I put on the leggings, and they were so baggy on me that they looked ridiculous on me. Then I tried on an old pair of MEK Denim jeans in a 24 which I had avoided because I assumed that I wouldn’t be able to wear them. Instead, they fit like a glove. I had almost gotten rid of those expensive jeans because I thought they didn’t fit me anymore!

I realize that my immersion in the world of fitness has made me more neurotic about having more of an off-season body, but the truth is that my off-season appearance is actually quite acceptable. I admit that the increasing laxity of my skin has caused me a certain degree of distress. However, even though the half-century mark looms several months away, I am making every effort to give myself credit for looking pretty damned good for my age.

I no longer live in waist trimmers in order to squeeze out subcutaneous water and shrink me down. I am well aware of the fact that an excessive degree of body dysmorphia exists within the fitness community, which is the inevitable result of constant pressure to look almost superhuman, with defined muscles, ripped abs, and unnaturally low body fat. Though I adore that look, I am also tired of having every square millimeter of my body scrutinized.

By no means am I saying that I am giving up on being as fit as I can possibly be, but I will no longer allow myself to feel as if I am out of shape or huge when I can fit into a size 24 jean!

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