Tag relationships

What Do You Take For Granted?

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Chances are that you probably take many things in your life for granted. For example, you probably take for granted that you will wake up to face another morning. You may take for granted that you have job security or financial security. You may take your good health for granted, or you may have resigned yourself to sub-optimal health while taking for granted that you will somehow overcome the inevitable consequence of poorly managed illness. You may take your relationship or marriage for granted, assuming that because you have a partner whom you love and who presumably loves you back, you will never be alone or have to struggle with being single again. You may take for granted that your home is completely safe from violence, thieves, or natural disasters.

Never, EVER take anything you have in your life for granted. Anything can be stripped away from you in a heartbeat. The saying, “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” has some utility in reminding us to pay attention and take steps to ensure our comfort, our safety, our health, our sanity. Nothing we have is permanent. It’s all on loan until we move on from this physical realm.

I know this sounds depressing, but it isn’t meant to be. It is simply a reminder to pay attention to what you are blessed with, to appreciate it, and to realize that just because you enjoy it and it has given you comfort or joy, doesn’t mean that it will last. Don’t count on it. Live every day as if it was your last.

Bridezillas

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Just about every young girl dreams about her wedding day, so it’s no surprise that the wedding industry strives to make wedding dreams of every kind come true. Everyone who has ever fantasized about walking down the aisle has constructed an image of that special day, and women are especially prone to envisioning all the details, from the perfect gown, to the perfect venue, flowers, cake, etc.

Some women become so obsessed with ensuring that their wedding day is so magical and so perfect that they transform into what are better known as bridezillas. They often proclaim, “It’s MY day”, and their behavior will follow suit, as if the groom, the families, and the bridal party had nothing whatsoever to do with their wedding ceremony. Though wedding planning can be incredibly stressful (I speak from personal experience), there is absolutely NO excuse for the bride to suddenly turn into Queen Bitch during the planning stages. Yet this occurs often enough that the term “bridezilla” is pretty well known.

Perhaps the bride is stressed out about money, but the brattiest of brides often comes from money, and her parents are footing the bill. These ladies will often also choose the most expensive bridal gowns, the most elaborate floral arrangements, and a plethora of lavish accessories for the big day. In some cultures, there is tremendous pressure to spend an extravagant amount of money on a wedding, and the bride is treated like a centerpiece, which further feeds her delusional and narcissistic behavior.

If a couple hasn’t worked out their relationship issues, and the bride turns into a witch, the wedding will become a desperate measure to repair a faltering relationship. All couples should regard their wedding as a true celebration of what they have achieved together, instead of as a band-aid or a means of appeasing relatives who are pressuring them to wed. If communication is poor and multiple issues threaten the fabric of a relationship, the stress of planning a wedding will only fan the flames of discord. Add tension between families, financial pressure, and fussing over the thousand details which go into wedding planning, and the wedding ceremony can easily become a threat and a burden, instead of the joyous celebration it is supposed to be.

No relationship is perfect, but a wedding should be a celebration of what already IS and not what a couple WANTS it to be. And for you bridezillas out there, I implore you to remember that your big day should be about the fantastic relationship you have with your Prince Charming, and NOT about whether you get your way with every little thing.

Valentine’s Day: A Money-Maker

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Valentine’s Day is one of the most retail-driven events in the United States, and for good reason. Savvy business owners have figured out how to capitalize on desperate men everywhere who want to please their women. The women, in turn, have been heavily influenced by clever advertising. Most women know about Jared (no, he isn’t the neighbor two doors down), and the Robbins Brothers have also exerted a powerful influence on the fantasies of ladies everywhere.

However, it seems like more and more couples have become aware of the fact that the big day of love is filled with hype and commercialism. After all, it’s supposed to be about the love, lust, or shared interest between two people, isn’t it? However, I still think a fella can’t go wrong with a beautiful bouquet of flowers (I know I love them!) for his lovely lady. If he wants to go the extra mile, he can get a nice trinket of jewelry (no, it doesn’t have to be diamonds), a stuffed teddy bear (if she’s into that kind of thing), or a sexy undergarment from Victoria’s Secret, but those are very predictable gifts on Valentine’s Day.

Then there are the chocolates and candy hearts. Heart-shaped boxes filled with chocolates have become increasingly more dreaded, since more ladies than ever are concerned about the sugar rush which comes from consuming them. Don’t be surprised if you buy a box of cheap chocolates and your woman refuses to eat them because they have high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors or colors. Perhaps it’s time to get more creative and pick up a few gluten-free, vegan cupcakes?

A popular outing for couples is to go out to dinner, but restaurants have become far too opportunistic in recent years. Typical Prix Fixe menus for February 14th are so outrageously expensive that you almost have to take out a second mortgage just to afford the meal. I have gotten to the point that I have no desire to pay three times the amount of money I would usually pay for a meal at the same restaurant, simply because I was foolish enough to go there on Valentine’s Day. Besides, the restaurants are always packed, always noisy, and there’s a good chance that your table might be right next to the men’s restroom or in a drafty corner of the patio. Never mind that you made reservations three months ago and specified that you wanted a booth inside the restaurant.

What I enjoy the most, and am planning to do this year, is to cook a nice meal at home, open a good bottle (or two) of wine, and enjoy the comforts of home. That holds much more value for me than surrounding myself with red heart cutouts, chocolates I can’t eat, or spending a king’s ransom for a meal. I also don’t have to yell over the din of the other patrons blabbing.

The Gentle Bull

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Okay ladies. Do you want to know how encourage your man to respond in a kind a gentle way when you are upset by something he has done or said? Quit bitching at him! Yes, you heard me right. I am playing devil’s advocate here and defending men who often have to deal with women completely unraveling on them.

A man usually gets utterly confused when a woman launches into a rant against him because he often strives to do things which please her. When she goes on and on with her complaints, the man feels like he has failed, and he feels emasculated. In some men, the confusion turns into anger because they simply don’t know what to do when they are pinned against the emotional ropes by a woman. A man’s brain doesn’t switch easily to the ebb and flow of a woman’s emotions, so he is often doomed to upset or disappoint a woman without ever intending to do so.

In order to have true and open communication which is constructive, both the man and the woman need to have the opportunity to voice concerns without fear of being verbally attacked by the other person. This type of communication requires effort by each person, or else it just won’t flow. However, with a little effort by each partner, issues which would ordinarily cause great conflict can be relatively pleasant and agreeable. The most important thing to remember in any relationship conflict is that the other person is not the enemy, but a partner with whom you have agreed to share your time, goals, and dreams with.

The Delicate Flower and the Bull Who Tramples On It

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I have to apologize in advance if this post sounds like a man-bashing. However, it is common for women to lament that men don’t take the time to just listen to them, and to have empathy when they are emotional.

I have definitely found myself in situations in which I feel like I need to apologize for being emotional or sensitive. I am never allowed to be upset, and I have to swallow everything upsetting thing like a bitter pill. I know that men and women speak different languages, but I will never understand why it is a problem if I happen to quietly voice a concern over an event which made me feel like a boot scraper at the front door. When my feelings are ignored, I can quickly progress from nice and sweet to angry.

Women don’t expect men to agree with them. They expect men to understand and empathize when they feel slighted by an incident. Men don’t want to feel emasculated either, so women should also take heed and pay attention to how they approach men after such an incident. In defense of women everywhere, though, many men tune out the instant a woman says, “What you did/said really hurt me”, and may even turn into ugly, mean bulls who trample over the woman’s emotions. Suddenly, only the man’s perspective matters, and he is never culpable, while the woman is made to feel like a whiny bitch, even if she is calm, gentle, and kind in her approach. It’s like a switch flips in a man’s brain, and a furious instinct to lash out asserts itself. When this happens, no resolution can be found.

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Before you men begin to think that this is about the man or the woman winning an argument, I will tell you that your perspective is really skewed. It isn’t about winning, and it isn’t about you versus the woman. That kind of viewpoint is confrontational, counterproductive, and puts you in a position in which the blinders are still on, and you can’t see anything but your own opinion. Instead of pounding on your chest and tuning out a woman who is in pain, perhaps you could listen to what she is saying and work with her. I can almost guarantee that an agreeable and open approach will yield much better results than resisting everything the woman says to you!

My Take On Weddings

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The wedding industry is an extremely profitable one, and for good reason. Everyone who has ever fantasized about walking down the aisle has constructed an image of that special day, and women are especially prone to envisioning all the details, from the perfect gown, to the perfect venue, flowers, cake, etc.

I have a problem with elaborate weddings because the expenditure of money is usually so significant that soon-to-be-married couples often risk drowning in debt as a result of that desire to make everything perfect. I am not saying that weddings shouldn’t occur, but I also don’t think it makes sense to spend a ridiculous amount of money on them either. Some couples are sensible about their wedding plans and opt for ceremony, reception and honeymoon plans which won’t break the bank. I have even heard of some couples who have eloped and taken the money that might have been spent on a big wedding and used it as a down payment on a home, which makes FAR more sense to me.

Another red flag which I have noticed among some couples is when couples who haven’t worked out their relationship issues turn to a wedding as a miracle cure for all the strife which they are experiencing. I firmly believe that a couple should regard a wedding as a true celebration of what they have achieved together, instead of as a band-aid or a means of appeasing relatives who are pressuring them to wed. If communication is poor and multiple issues threaten the fabric of a relationship, the stress of planning a wedding will only fan the flames of discord. wedding rings

Before you assume that I am anti-wedding, let me be clear and reveal that I was married for four years once and loved being married. The only problem was that my husband and I were not the best match for each other. I am on the fence about the idea of remarrying and don’t feel that it is necessary for me to do so. What IS important to me is establishing a great relationship and great communication, regardless of whether a marriage license binds me to a man.

Call Her Beautiful

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I am willing to bet that the vast majority of women out there respond positively when a significant other, spouse, or someone she simply digs tells her she is beautiful or even uses the word “beautiful” as a nickname. That word can completely transform a woman, especially if she is experiencing a rough day. If that doesn’t work, you could always follow the advice in the meme below!

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Pumas And Cougars, Oh My!

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I am the kind of woman who could to some extent be labeled a cougar, but I cringe at the negative connotations which this slang term has accumulated. Shows like Cougar Town certainly don’t help with the sexual overtones which this term suggest either. Here is the definition of COUGAR from Wikipedia:

Cougar is a slang term that refers to a woman who seeks sexual relations with considerably younger men. It typically refers to women aged 30–40 years old.[1][2] ABC News states that these women pursue sexual relations with people more than eight years younger than they are,[1] while The New York Times states that the women are over the age of 40 and aggressively pursue sexual relations with men in their twenties or thirties.[2] However, the term can also refer to any female who has a male partner much younger than herself, regardless of age or age difference.[3][4]

I have a major issue with societal conventions which expect the man to be older than the woman. With only a couple of exceptions, I have always dated men who were younger than me, yet never sought them out. It always boiled down to common interests and mutual attraction, and the age of a man never concerned me. My first younger man was eight months my junior, and we met while we were in our teens. Some of you may think I had some strange influence which pushed me to have an attraction to younger men, but that was never the case. I believe a major factor, though, is the fact that I look, feel, and act much younger than my chronological age would suggest. Besides, the concept of an older woman with a younger man is not a new one, as films such as The Graduate prove. Before you start thinking that this particular film may have colored my view, it was released in movie theaters when I was a year old.

In the United States, women who are in their 30’s who like younger men are referred to as pumas. In stark contrast, Linda Lowen states that the term puma is used quite differently in the UK:

http://womensissues.about.com/od/cougarwomen/f/What-Is-A-Puma-Definition-Of-Puma-Woman.htm
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I began to dig deeper, and found this scale:

Age 0-12: Housecat
Age 13-17: Bobcat
Age 18-21: Wildcat
Age 22-29: Lynx
Age 30-39: Puma
Age 40-49: Cougar
Age 50-59: Jaguar
Age 60-68: Panther
Age 69: Pussycat
Age 70-79: Cheetah
Age 80-89: Leopard
Age 90-99: Tiger
Age 100+: Lion

(from urbandictionary.com)

I find this hilarious. Hopefully you will too. Who knows? Maybe I will make it to lion. 🙂

Relationships Aren’t What They Used To Be

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angry-man-and-womanRelationships take some work to keep them humming along, and some couples are actually fortunate enough to find a formula which nurtures their interaction and enables them to beat the odds. Sadly, though, it just seems like most people these days are too quick to jump ship. Perhaps it has something to do with the promise of the bigger, better deal which multiple dating sites proffer, but I believe the restlessness and discontent are largely due to laziness. Our society is so rapid fire, with the convenience of social media ironically causing a veritable breakdown of true communication and intimacy, that as soon as conflict arises with someone, the instinct to flee seems to rear its ugly head. Gone are the days of working issues out over many decades, staying the course and serving as an example of everlasting love. The art of compromise seems to be lost, and people often will cohabitate or marry with separation or divorce viewed as an easy escape route. It’s no wonder that breakups seem to be happening more frequently now.

Love and relationships are almost treated like fast food, and the sad thing is that through the common lack of willingness to constructively work through conflict, many relationships become disposable. Like fast food, weak or unstable relationships begin to resemble fast food, full of empty calories and ultimately bad for the system. Also like fast food, weak unions may cause cravings for more of the same, and a vicious pattern may ensue. If you ask yourself why you keep picking the same type of person, it is time to look at the reasons why you are drawn to that type of person and do whatever personal work you need to do in order to break such patterns. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with the next person.

I have talked to couples who have been together for four, five, six decades and they have all said the same thing about weathering the storm through the years and enjoying a lasting union. It seems to boil down to two very important guidelines:

1. ALWAYS RESPECT EACH OTHER. Psychologists say that a clear sign of impending demise for a relationship is when partners fail to respect each other. Insulting, name calling and blaming are the clearest signs, but there are other indications of a lack of respect, such as lack of emotional support for a partner when major life events occur. This doesn’t mean that successful couples never fight, they just argue in a constructive fashion and allow each other the opportunity to vent all frustrations and concerns without interrupting or attacking.

2. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Rather than nitpicking about little things, successful couples let them go. If irritating issues arise, calmly discussing the issue is far more successful than bickering about minor incidents like the trash not being thrown out, or the toothpaste cap being left off. However, both partners must be receptive to active and constructive communication. If one partner is hostile and unyielding, the petty issues will erode intimacy and affection.

Why Being Single Sucks

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Though I will never advocate staying in a relationship in which you are miserable for the sake of being in a relationship, I have always been relationship-minded. I am programmed to devote my time and energy to one man and am puzzled by people who can play the field without any difficulty. To me it is like eating a bunch of different foods at an all-you-can-eat buffet where there are so many choices that you never really savor the flavor of anything. Dating is so random, rather empty, and can often feel more like an interview than a social interaction.
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I have been single since April and have hated every minute of it. I hadn’t realized how ridiculously high my standards were until I gave some thought recently to the essential criteria which anyone who would spark my interest enough to date would need to possess. Such pondering has made me believe that the men I would gravitate towards only exist in fairy tales. How could I possibly find someone VERY fit (as in fitness model level or above), VERY attractive, tall, preferably younger, financially secure, geographically close, possessed of decent values, devoted, honest, interesting, affectionate, attentive without being clingy, chivalrous, generous, protective, open to a lifelong commitment, interested in attending fitness and bodybuilding events with me, who truly understands what clean eating is and who won’t sabotage my efforts to prep for shoots or contests? I would say that is a very tall order!

Another thing that runs through my mind is that it is very difficult for me to dine out, especially if I am prepping for a contest. Most restaurant fare is out for me. I am also amazed by how much alcohol some people like to consume during a dinner, and I find it horrifying. I wonder if the guy really needs all that booze to disinhibit himself, and I also become wary that such a man may become presumptuous at the end of the dinner and make an idiot out of himself by making some sort of overt and unwelcome pass at me. Besides, my cheat meals are few and far between, so there is no way I could fill my social calendar while also following a clean meal plan. My fitness goals are far more important than succumbing to peer pressure at a restaurant with someone I barely know!

Being in single mode means the interviews will take place and I will have to assess whether a man has any potential with respect to dating. Something tells me I will spend most of my nights in front of the TV alone instead of putting myself out there. I have no desire to potentially endure the dreaded date in which you know within minutes that there is no love connection and must suffer through the duration of the lunch or dinner. I am also not thrilled with the idea of losing time in the evenings when I could be writing articles, doing food prep or working out.

I truly miss being in a relationship. There is nothing better when the relationship is great and you are always made to feel special and loved no matter what. What I miss the most about being in a relationship is snuggling on the couch to watch a movie, waking up next to the man I love, seeing his personal belongings here and there in the house, his smell, his smile, and his kisses. Hopefully the universe will reward me eventually.