A Devastating Spell

It’s a bizarre and devastating experience to be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. What is frightening is that by the time you realize that you are in a relationship with one, you are wrapped around their little finger, ensnared, and under their complete control. Narcissists know exactly how to invade your sense of self. They will lie to you, trick you and everyone else into believing they can do no wrong, then once you are solidly in their spell, no amount of struggling will set you free. It is only when you are completely drained and discarded by the narcissist that you can be freed. The narcissist always calls the shots.

Narcissists are abusive, manipulative, controlling, yet they will convince you into upholding the illusion they have created for themselves and those around them that they are great people. The rest of the world is tricked into believing that the narcissist is so wonderful, and that you must be nuts for not sharing that opinion. You will feel like you can’t reveal them for what they truly are, because they will threaten and bully you to the point where your fear of them will overwhelm your desire to expose them.

They will take away your power, slowly but surely. I used to refer to one ex as kryptonite, because he truly was that for me. Any time I tried to stand up for myself, I just lacked the strength to do so. What’s crazy is that I wasn’t like that in other relationships either, only with him. He would bully me, toss me aside, then pull me back to him all on his whim, and I would willingly allow him to do that to me repeatedly.

Narcissists lack the emotional equipment to genuinely love, and they are also incapable of feeling empathy. The driving force for narcissists to establish romantic relationships is to gain the attention they so desperately crave, and to have a whipping boy to throw all their angst onto. Having been the whipping boy, I can tell you it is pure torture to be under the rule of a narcissist. And since narcissists never want to play by the rules, some may stubbornly refuse to hold down solid, gainful employment because it is somehow beneath them. Never mind that they can’t make ends meet, their stubborn pride won’t allow them to suck it up and do what’s necessary, especially if there is an empath or codependent who is under their control and willing to rescue them. Narcissists always exclude themselves from the rest of the crowd, believing that they are indeed special and worth more than those around them. This exaggerated sense of self-importance never abates either.

A codependent or empath who is in a relationship with a narcissist strives constantly to obtain the approval of the narcissist. However, nothing is ever good enough for the narcissist, and the codependent is made to feel worthless. Everything is the fault of the codependent, and the narcissist always walks away unscathed.

The following passage which I found online blew me away. It is very descriptive of the attraction between empaths and narcissists:

“Empaths/Highly Sensitive people are hypersensitive to the emotions and energy of other people. They are often natural healers and caretakers, both admirable traits to have. Unfortunately, these traits often lead to being vibrationally attracted to Narcissists. This explains the recent focus on Empaths and Narcissists in a relationship. The Empath/HSP is a natural giver, while the Narcissist is in an infinite state of need. They literally attract one another like magnets.”

When I was in one relationship with a narcissist, I also suffered from adrenal burnout and severe hormonal imbalance. If I had remained in this toxic relationship, I am sure I would have met an early demise. Some researchers have determined that long-term stress causes changes in one’s DNA. Psychological abuse from being in a relationship with a narcissist is also considerable, and once the relationship has ended, the victim can experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) and severe depression.

Narcissists walk through life with armor which functions as their façade or false self. They will present only those behaviors which will earn them attention and praise. The charming person who presents to the outside world and who also shows up right after an episode of bullying is the same person who will insult, invalidate and demean his or her partner every day. The partner learns to blame himself or herself when confronted with the narcissist’s abusive behavior, and will go to great lengths to appease the narcissist. However, once the narcissist has moved into the devaluation phase of the relationship, nothing the partner can do will win the narcissist’s favor. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation in which any anger or frustration demonstrated by the partner will be construed as an attack, while sitting in silent suffering will cause the narcissist to view the partner with complete disdain.

Once the narcissist has moved into the discard phase, the abuser is in full view. He will reveal his complete cruelty and indifference to you as you are kicked to the curb like a dirty rag. All that shows is pure contempt and hatred, and your value drops to zero in the narcissist’s eyes because you are no longer of any use to him.

At that point, the best thing to do is to BLOCK the narcissist from your life and move on. Be thankful that you were finally set free from a hideous cycle of psychological abuse. Love yourself, value who you are, and heal.

Here is my final message to the narcissists who tricked me into being with them.

One day you will kick yourself for not recognizing what you had when you had it. I no longer care if you suffer, and know that it was never my responsibility to rescue you financially or emotionally, despite the fact that I did it for years. You constantly told me that I wasn’t what you wanted, and were so intent on destroying anything good, anything viable, anything that diverted even the slightest bit of attention away from you. I was never allowed to show my feelings, positive or negative. I wasn’t allowed to be affectionate, or tell you how much I loved you. I learned to expect you to reject every spontaneous hug, caress or kiss from me. Stupid me for not seeing that you didn’t appreciate ANYTHING I did.

You taught my heart that opening up was somehow naughty, something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. You would get angry at me for the stupidest things, and you took me to Crazytown because that’s where you lived. I was never good enough, pretty enough, just never enough in your eyes. You treated me like the enemy because I now see that you were MY enemy. I could never do right by you.

The shackles are gone. I am free. Thank you.

Gaslighting

Healthy relationships provide an environment in which each partner can safely express feelings and opinions without fear of being mowed down and told they’re absolutely wrong every time. Relationships which involve a narcissist are very different. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you already know too well that no matter what emotions you share, they will be immediately invalidated by the narcissist. You already know that your feelings absolutely do not matter to the narcissist. What is completely messed up is that the narcissist will make you feel even worse by manipulating your words and twisting them around. This is known as gaslighting, and is a devastating form of control for the narcissist.

In the mind of the narcissist, any time you express concern about a situation in which you were emotionally railroaded, somehow you are always made to feel that you are “wrong”, “stupid”, or “making things up.” It’s enough to send anyone to Crazy Town.

After the honeymoon phase is over, the narcissist quickly moves to the devaluation phase, and will criticize you whenever you reveal your emotions. You aren’t allowed to be upset, to mention that something he or she did really bothered or hurt you, and if you do, the narcissist will turn the situation around so that he or she can blame YOU for the entire incident. Phrases like, “lighten up”, “I didn’t say that”, “you’re so sensitive!”, “you’re crazy”, or “can’t take a fucking joke”, are common with narcissists and provide them with a means to convince you that the abuse never took place, or that the incident was all your fault, and that somehow you started it.

If you are unhappy about something and you mention it to the narcissist, be prepared to be berated. It doesn’t matter if other people witness the emotionally abusive behavior, either, because then the narcissist will maintain that the others are somehow defending or in cahoots with the partner who is being abused. If you’ve ever been subjected to gaslighting, it’s one of the most frustrating behavioral aberrations around. The narcissist is incredibly good at being manipulative, and never takes responsibility for harsh words or actions, because in his or her mind, the rules don’t apply and he or she never does any wrong. Don’t ever hold your breath expecting the words “I’m sorry” to escape a narcissist’s lips. The concept is foreign to him.

You will find the situation confusing, and if you are an empath, you will probably try to offer to fix the situation and take the blame to appease your narcissistic partner. By this point, however, the narcissist is disgusted with you and regards you as having little to no value. The narcissist will see your effort to repair the situation as a sign of weakness, which further feeds the narcissist’s feeling of superiority.

After a while, the partner of a narcissist who has endured gaslighting will have experienced so much emotional invalidation that, even after realizing the relationship is toxic, will begin to believe that one’s instincts are wrong.

The best thing you can do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist is to LEAVE, heal, and practice NO CONTACT.

This Is The Type Of Girl That You Should Stop Taking For Granted

One of my dear friends sent this to me right after I got walloped with a recent and painful breakup. Without going into details, I was raked over the coals for YEARS, dumped repeatedly for no good reason, and was constantly belittled and disrespected. Yet I kept loving, kept giving, like a fool.

I am copying and pasting the body of the article here so that you can read it more clearly. The original source is filled with annoying pop-ups. I don’t know who the author is, but he or she nailed it with the giving, caring woman who gives herself to undeserving men.

The original link to this article can be found here:

http://www.spiritualunite.com/articles/this-is-the-type-of-girl-that-you-should-stop-taking-for-granted/

This Is The Type Of Girl That You Should Stop Taking For Granted

She’s the girl that does everything for you and never asks for anything in return.

She texts first. She asks how your family is doing, how your job is going, how your friends are. She takes a genuine interest in your life. When you call, she answers. When you whine, she listens. Whenever you need her, she’s there. No exceptions.

She doesn’t hold any grudges against you. She’s such a forgiving soul. Whenever you screw up, she doesn’t stay angry. She deals with the hurt and moves past it, because she believes that you’re worth it.

She’s the type of girl that wants to know you, all of you. She asks about your childhood. About your exes. About your parents. She wishes you would be as open with her as she is with you. She wishes you would trust her with your deepest secrets.

Even though you haven’t done much to prove that you care, she’s always making you feel special. She does little things, things you barely even notice, that add up to a lot. She tags you on cute photos. She shares her funny stories. She compliments your looks and your laugh. She makes you feel like you matter.

She keeps trying to break down your walls and push her way inside — even though she secretly knows you’re nothing but trouble.

After all, you’ve hurt her before. You’ve gone days without responding to her, and still, whenever you text her, she answers within minutes.

You’ve canceled plans with her, but whenever you ask her to come over, she still says yes.

You’ve made her cry (you know you have), but she still does everything within her power to make you smile.

You’ve done so many things to chase her away, but she’s still there.

She has given you a million chances and you’re still expecting more. You assume that she’s always going to be there, that she’s always going to want you, no matter how poorly you treat her.

But she’s not going to stick around forever. One day, she’ll get sick of this one-sided love. One day, she’ll realize that she deserves to receive all of the things that she’s been giving. One day, she won’t care about you anymore.

If you’re smart, you’ll stop taking her for granted before that day comes — because she’s the type of girl that will make your life worth living. She’ll take you on romantic rooftop dates. She’ll create scrapbooks to showcase her love. She’ll never let you forget how much she cares.

You both know that she should be long gone by now. She shouldn’t still be pining over you. She shouldn’t still be trying to turn your sadness into happiness — but she is. So stop taking her love for granted.

Stop stringing such a beautiful girl along.

via Thought Catalog

Relationships Aren’t What They Used To Be – REPOST

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I wrote this in early 2014, but it’s worth a repost. I am posting near the day which SHOULD have been a six year anniversary for me. C’est la vie.

Relationships take some work to keep them humming along, and some couples are actually fortunate enough to find a formula which nurtures their interaction and enables them to beat the odds. Sadly, though, it just seems like most people these days are too quick to jump ship. Perhaps it has something to do with the promise of the bigger, better deal which multiple dating sites proffer, but I believe the restlessness and discontent are largely due to laziness. Our society is so rapid fire, with the convenience of social media ironically causing a veritable breakdown of true communication and intimacy, that as soon as conflict arises with someone, the instinct to flee seems to rear its ugly head. Gone are the days of working issues out over many decades, staying the course and serving as an example of everlasting love. The art of compromise seems to be lost, and people often will cohabitate or marry with separation or divorce viewed as an easy escape route. It’s no wonder that breakups seem to be happening more frequently now.

Love and relationships are almost treated like fast food, and the sad thing is that through the common lack of willingness to constructively work through conflict, many relationships become disposable. Like fast food, weak or unstable relationships begin to resemble fast food, full of empty calories and ultimately bad for the system. Also like fast food, weak unions may cause cravings for more of the same, and a vicious pattern may ensue. If you ask yourself why you keep picking the same type of person, it is time to look at the reasons why you are drawn to that type of person and do whatever personal work you need to do in order to break such patterns. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with the next person.

I have talked to couples who have been together for four, five, six decades and they have all said the same thing about weathering the storm through the years and enjoying a lasting union. It seems to boil down to two very important guidelines:

1. ALWAYS RESPECT EACH OTHER. Psychologists say that a clear sign of impending demise for a relationship is when partners fail to respect each other. Insulting, name calling and blaming are the clearest signs, but there are other indications of a lack of respect, such as lack of emotional support for a partner when major life events occur. This doesn’t mean that successful couples never fight, they just argue in a constructive fashion and allow each other the opportunity to vent all frustrations and concerns without interrupting or attacking.

2. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Rather than nitpicking about little things, successful couples let them go. If irritating issues arise, calmly discussing the issue is far more successful than bickering about minor incidents like the trash not being thrown out, or the toothpaste cap being left off. However, both partners must be receptive to active and constructive communication. If one partner is hostile and unyielding, the petty issues will erode intimacy and affection.

Broken

You’ve been my kryptonite
draining me
financially
emotionally
spiritually

I’ve been carrying this broken heart
it’s become heavy
with tears
anger
frustration

No wonder you could
never
say you loved me…
you wanted me
only to wipe your shoes on

Bullied
insulted
never good enough
for what?

You and your
cold heart

I gave and gave and gave
loved and loved
all you did was take
everything

Burn
baby
burn.

What Do You Take For Granted?

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Chances are that you probably take many things in your life for granted. For example, you probably take for granted that you will wake up to face another morning. You may take for granted that you have job security or financial security. You may take your good health for granted, or you may have resigned yourself to sub-optimal health while taking for granted that you will somehow overcome the inevitable consequence of poorly managed illness. You may take your relationship or marriage for granted, assuming that because you have a partner whom you love and who presumably loves you back, you will never be alone or have to struggle with being single again. You may take for granted that your home is completely safe from violence, thieves, or natural disasters.

Never, EVER take anything you have in your life for granted. Anything can be stripped away from you in a heartbeat. The saying, “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” has some utility in reminding us to pay attention and take steps to ensure our comfort, our safety, our health, our sanity. Nothing we have is permanent. It’s all on loan until we move on from this physical realm.

I know this sounds depressing, but it isn’t meant to be. It is simply a reminder to pay attention to what you are blessed with, to appreciate it, and to realize that just because you enjoy it and it has given you comfort or joy, doesn’t mean that it will last. Don’t count on it. Live every day as if it was your last.

Bridezillas

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Just about every young girl dreams about her wedding day, so it’s no surprise that the wedding industry strives to make wedding dreams of every kind come true. Everyone who has ever fantasized about walking down the aisle has constructed an image of that special day, and women are especially prone to envisioning all the details, from the perfect gown, to the perfect venue, flowers, cake, etc.

Some women become so obsessed with ensuring that their wedding day is so magical and so perfect that they transform into what are better known as bridezillas. They often proclaim, “It’s MY day”, and their behavior will follow suit, as if the groom, the families, and the bridal party had nothing whatsoever to do with their wedding ceremony. Though wedding planning can be incredibly stressful (I speak from personal experience), there is absolutely NO excuse for the bride to suddenly turn into Queen Bitch during the planning stages. Yet this occurs often enough that the term “bridezilla” is pretty well known.

Perhaps the bride is stressed out about money, but the brattiest of brides often comes from money, and her parents are footing the bill. These ladies will often also choose the most expensive bridal gowns, the most elaborate floral arrangements, and a plethora of lavish accessories for the big day. In some cultures, there is tremendous pressure to spend an extravagant amount of money on a wedding, and the bride is treated like a centerpiece, which further feeds her delusional and narcissistic behavior.

If a couple hasn’t worked out their relationship issues, and the bride turns into a witch, the wedding will become a desperate measure to repair a faltering relationship. All couples should regard their wedding as a true celebration of what they have achieved together, instead of as a band-aid or a means of appeasing relatives who are pressuring them to wed. If communication is poor and multiple issues threaten the fabric of a relationship, the stress of planning a wedding will only fan the flames of discord. Add tension between families, financial pressure, and fussing over the thousand details which go into wedding planning, and the wedding ceremony can easily become a threat and a burden, instead of the joyous celebration it is supposed to be.

No relationship is perfect, but a wedding should be a celebration of what already IS and not what a couple WANTS it to be. And for you bridezillas out there, I implore you to remember that your big day should be about the fantastic relationship you have with your Prince Charming, and NOT about whether you get your way with every little thing.