Tag marriage

The Car We Bought At An Auction

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I am wary of purchasing a vehicle at an auction, primarily because of the experience I had back in early 2002, when I was married. My husband approached me, insisting on attending a car auction. His contention was that it would be good to have a third car which we could use if either of our primary rides ever ran into mechanical issues. I didn’t have a problem with the logic, but I feared that we would get stuck with a car which would only add to our expenses and also collect dust.

We attended a car auction on a very hot Saturday, set our budget, and settled in for the experience. A BMW was the first auto up, and I was stunned when my husband Pete placed a bid on it. I tapped him on the arm and told him that the BMW wasn’t even in our budget, but he told me that he didn’t think he’d win the auction anyway, which actually turned out to be the case. A succession of halfway decent cars followed the BMW in the auction lineup, but we sat back and just observed the activity.

Then a green Ford Fiesta was driven to the auction block. Pete leaned towards me and said, “Babe, I wanna bid on this car, it’s definitely in our price range”, and seemed not to notice how old and dingy it was, with dulled paint and mismatched tires. My gut was telling me that bidding on the Fiesta was a bad idea, so I told him that. He brushed me off, and said he was bidding anyway. Long story short, he won the auction, and we had this crappy, ugly Ford Fiesta in our possession.

Since we had taken Pete’s car over to the auction, he suggested that I drive the Fiesta back to our residence. I will never forget how miserable the experience was, of driving that car home, because the engine had very little power, and the interior was filthy. Once we arrived home, I told Pete that I would never willingly drive the Fiesta, upon which he went ballistic and started yelling at me about how I had to use the car. In order to keep the peace, I drove the car to work twice, then never did it again.

Pete and I separated in May of 2002, and he found another place to live. What he failed to do was to take the Fiesta, so the car sat in a parking spot at our apartment complex. He told me that it was my responsibility to move the car every few days so as not to upset the apartment manager, but I refused to do so. I kept pleading with him to take the car to his place, but he stubbornly ignored my requests.

A couple of months later, I received a call from the Upland Police Department, asking me if my husband was available to verify ownership of a Ford Fiesta. When I replied that my husband was not available at the residence, the police officer informed me that the vehicle had been stolen, then recovered in a parking lot at a local park. I hadn’t even noticed that the car was missing! The officer stated that I needed to come to the park to pick up the vehicle, so I complied.

When I saw the car in the parking lot, I noticed that there were a bunch of deep gouges along the front hood and roof. I asked the officer what the gouges were from, and he told me that they were from skateboard wheels. Evidently, some skateboarders thought it would be cool to launch off the hood, causing considerable cosmetic damage to a vehicle I hated. I drove the heap back to the apartment complex, called Pete, and said, “Get your car. I’m not babysitting this thing any longer.”

Pete picked up the Fiesta and ended up giving it to his parents as an extra car. I felt so bad for my in-laws!

My Four Engagement Rings

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A little-known fact about me is that I have been engaged four times, and there is a pretty crazy story about the four rings which were associated with each engagement. The proposals occurred over a span of many years, with the first taking place in 1990, followed by one in 1994, one in 1998, and one in 2005. The engagement which took place in 1998 culminated in a wedding the following year, but the other engagements fell apart for different reasons.

The first man I cohabitated with suggested that we have rings custom made for our impending engagement, to which I agreed. He stated that he wanted to be able to wear his band on his right hand while we were engaged, to which I also agreed. We had our rings custom designed and crafted, and because my boyfriend had poor credit, I opened an account at the jewelry store in my name. Shortly after we had the rings made, my guy lost his job, and because he was a raging alcoholic, he stopped making any effort whatsoever to secure new employment. As a result, I had to cover all household expenses, and was stuck paying for my own engagement ring. I ended up breaking up with the loser because I couldn’t see myself being financially responsible for him for the rest of my life.

Shortly after I broke up with Scott, I met a wonderful man, and he ended up moving in with me after about a year. I mentioned to him that, should he decide to propose to me, he could take the credit from my first engagement ring (which was for sale on consignment) and use it towards the purchase of a ring. He ended up using that credit, purchased a ring, and proposed to me. We remained engaged for a year and a half before he broke off the engagement, stating that his mother told him he wasn’t ready for marriage, yet he insisted on remaining in the relationship. I endured what I could for two years, then ended things because I couldn’t justify being with a man who seemed to want our relationship to regress rather than progress.

Then it was off to medical school for me. At the beginning of my second year of medical school, I met someone who truly swept me off my feet, and we were engaged three months later, albeit without the formality of a ring. I told my fiancé that I had an engagement ring which we could sell so that he could use the funds towards the purchase of a new ring. When we visited the jeweler whom we had chosen to design and craft our rings, the jeweler stated that it would be better to use the same diamonds from the old ring. I didn’t like the idea of using the center diamond, but agreed to use the two trillion diamonds which flanked the center stone. I asked the jeweler what the extra cost would be if we were to switch out the center diamond, and both my fiancé and I balked at the figure we were given. My fiancé insisted on using the center diamond from the old ring, declaring, “If you’re a good wife, I’ll get you a bigger diamond when we get to our 20th wedding anniversary”.

We were married for 3 years when I insisted on getting a divorce, and it took a year and a half for our divorce to be finalized. Once our divorce was finalized, I elected to put my wedding and engagement ring set on consignment, with the mindset that if it ever sold, I would just pocket the money. What ended up happening was that I met someone very special, and when it looked like things were getting serious, I told my man that he could use the credit on my wedding set towards an engagement ring if he was so inclined. He of course went for the credit, bought a beautiful ring, and proposed to me.

Our relationship didn’t work out, so I once again was left with a ring on which I had equity. Once I realized what a curse that ring was, I sold it and used the funds to pay bills.

For any woman who is willing to either do the foolish things I had done in the past, or who is even willing to purchase her own engagement ring to help her guy out financially (this actually happened with my best friend’s daughter when she decided to marry), I URGE you not to do it! You are worth more than that!

I Had A Quick And Easy Divorce

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written by Ed Sherman

Many of your probably don’t know that I was married once. Back when I was about to start my second year of medical school, I met and was charmed by a guy who was about to start his first year of medical school at the same institution. He signed up to be one of my subjects for a study I was conducting on lumbar somatic dysfunction (I later found out that the main reason why he signed up was because he thought I was hot).

After I gathered scientific data from the portion of the study which involved him, he began asking me questions. Which mnemonic guides were the best for gross anatomy? Which professors were my favorite? Where did I typically study for exams? He then went in for the kill, taking me by surprise by asking me out. I liked him, and noticed he was different in a way that really grabbed my interest, so I said yes.

To make a long story short, that date progressed into a romance which was so intense that we were married a year later. In general, I loved being married, and though we had our difficulties, we made our marriage work for a while. Then it stopped working, and after three years, I asked for a divorce.

After the initial emotional anguish subsided, my husband and I spent close to a year trying to determine if divorce was the best option. Inevitably, we both agreed that being apart was actually much better for us both. Since we were both rather rational about our impending divorce, and retained a level of mutual respect which is quite rare among couples at the demise of their marriage, we agreed that we could probably bypass legal counsel and file the paperwork ourselves. I ended up purchasing a book called, How To Do Your Own Divorce In California, by Ed Sherman, and printed off the legal forms which were included on the CD in the back of the book.

I filed the initial paperwork and braced myself for the paper storm to follow. It was a bit of a hassle to complete all of the forms myself, but I saved a ton on legal fees. The total amount which I spent on the book and all the filings came to under $300, and I was happy to pay it. My husband and I were also able to complete the Marital Settlement Agreement without much difficulty, and we were able to reach a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Six months and one day from the day I filed, I received the final Divorce Decree in the mail. My divorce was honestly easier than some breakups in my life. And to this day, my ex-husband and I are on good terms. He remarried in November of last year (thirteen years after our divorce was finalized), and I can honestly say that I truly wish the best for him and his bride.

In case you are in the unfortunate predicament of a looming divorce, but feel confident that you and your estranged spouse can divorce without any drama or irrational behavior, you may want to consider the easy divorce route we took. The newest version of the book I used is now 20 bucks on Amazon. However, I am by no means endorsing this route, so you should explore other options if need be. If you are facing an ugly battle, you should definitely seek top notch legal counsel to aid you in the divorce process.

The newest edition of Ed Sherman’s valuable reference guide for divorce in California

Relationships Aren’t What They Used To Be – REPOST

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angry-man-and-woman

I wrote this in early 2014, but it’s worth a repost. I am posting near the day which SHOULD have been a six year anniversary for me. C’est la vie.

Relationships take some work to keep them humming along, and some couples are actually fortunate enough to find a formula which nurtures their interaction and enables them to beat the odds. Sadly, though, it just seems like most people these days are too quick to jump ship. Perhaps it has something to do with the promise of the bigger, better deal which multiple dating sites proffer, but I believe the restlessness and discontent are largely due to laziness. Our society is so rapid fire, with the convenience of social media ironically causing a veritable breakdown of true communication and intimacy, that as soon as conflict arises with someone, the instinct to flee seems to rear its ugly head. Gone are the days of working issues out over many decades, staying the course and serving as an example of everlasting love. The art of compromise seems to be lost, and people often will cohabitate or marry with separation or divorce viewed as an easy escape route. It’s no wonder that breakups seem to be happening more frequently now.

Love and relationships are almost treated like fast food, and the sad thing is that through the common lack of willingness to constructively work through conflict, many relationships become disposable. Like fast food, weak or unstable relationships begin to resemble fast food, full of empty calories and ultimately bad for the system. Also like fast food, weak unions may cause cravings for more of the same, and a vicious pattern may ensue. If you ask yourself why you keep picking the same type of person, it is time to look at the reasons why you are drawn to that type of person and do whatever personal work you need to do in order to break such patterns. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with the next person.

I have talked to couples who have been together for four, five, six decades and they have all said the same thing about weathering the storm through the years and enjoying a lasting union. It seems to boil down to two very important guidelines:

1. ALWAYS RESPECT EACH OTHER. Psychologists say that a clear sign of impending demise for a relationship is when partners fail to respect each other. Insulting, name calling and blaming are the clearest signs, but there are other indications of a lack of respect, such as lack of emotional support for a partner when major life events occur. This doesn’t mean that successful couples never fight, they just argue in a constructive fashion and allow each other the opportunity to vent all frustrations and concerns without interrupting or attacking.

2. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Rather than nitpicking about little things, successful couples let them go. If irritating issues arise, calmly discussing the issue is far more successful than bickering about minor incidents like the trash not being thrown out, or the toothpaste cap being left off. However, both partners must be receptive to active and constructive communication. If one partner is hostile and unyielding, the petty issues will erode intimacy and affection.

What Do You Take For Granted?

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Chances are that you probably take many things in your life for granted. For example, you probably take for granted that you will wake up to face another morning. You may take for granted that you have job security or financial security. You may take your good health for granted, or you may have resigned yourself to sub-optimal health while taking for granted that you will somehow overcome the inevitable consequence of poorly managed illness. You may take your relationship or marriage for granted, assuming that because you have a partner whom you love and who presumably loves you back, you will never be alone or have to struggle with being single again. You may take for granted that your home is completely safe from violence, thieves, or natural disasters.

Never, EVER take anything you have in your life for granted. Anything can be stripped away from you in a heartbeat. The saying, “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” has some utility in reminding us to pay attention and take steps to ensure our comfort, our safety, our health, our sanity. Nothing we have is permanent. It’s all on loan until we move on from this physical realm.

I know this sounds depressing, but it isn’t meant to be. It is simply a reminder to pay attention to what you are blessed with, to appreciate it, and to realize that just because you enjoy it and it has given you comfort or joy, doesn’t mean that it will last. Don’t count on it. Live every day as if it was your last.

Bridezillas

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Just about every young girl dreams about her wedding day, so it’s no surprise that the wedding industry strives to make wedding dreams of every kind come true. Everyone who has ever fantasized about walking down the aisle has constructed an image of that special day, and women are especially prone to envisioning all the details, from the perfect gown, to the perfect venue, flowers, cake, etc.

Some women become so obsessed with ensuring that their wedding day is so magical and so perfect that they transform into what are better known as bridezillas. They often proclaim, “It’s MY day”, and their behavior will follow suit, as if the groom, the families, and the bridal party had nothing whatsoever to do with their wedding ceremony. Though wedding planning can be incredibly stressful (I speak from personal experience), there is absolutely NO excuse for the bride to suddenly turn into Queen Bitch during the planning stages. Yet this occurs often enough that the term “bridezilla” is pretty well known.

Perhaps the bride is stressed out about money, but the brattiest of brides often comes from money, and her parents are footing the bill. These ladies will often also choose the most expensive bridal gowns, the most elaborate floral arrangements, and a plethora of lavish accessories for the big day. In some cultures, there is tremendous pressure to spend an extravagant amount of money on a wedding, and the bride is treated like a centerpiece, which further feeds her delusional and narcissistic behavior.

If a couple hasn’t worked out their relationship issues, and the bride turns into a witch, the wedding will become a desperate measure to repair a faltering relationship. All couples should regard their wedding as a true celebration of what they have achieved together, instead of as a band-aid or a means of appeasing relatives who are pressuring them to wed. If communication is poor and multiple issues threaten the fabric of a relationship, the stress of planning a wedding will only fan the flames of discord. Add tension between families, financial pressure, and fussing over the thousand details which go into wedding planning, and the wedding ceremony can easily become a threat and a burden, instead of the joyous celebration it is supposed to be.

No relationship is perfect, but a wedding should be a celebration of what already IS and not what a couple WANTS it to be. And for you bridezillas out there, I implore you to remember that your big day should be about the fantastic relationship you have with your Prince Charming, and NOT about whether you get your way with every little thing.

The Submarines Biography Is So Interesting!

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I enjoy the musical arrangements and vocals which characterize songs by indie pop group The Submarines, but I had no idea how interesting their biography was!

The Submarines consist of John Dragonetti (aka Jack Drag) and Blake Hazard, who met in Boston and began to collaborate musically and romantically. Dragonetti produced Hazard’s debut solo album, Little Airplane, in 2002, from which point they began playing and performing with each other’s bands. Shortly thereafter, the couple moved west to Los Angeles, but their relationship ended in late 2004. The breakup turned out to be magical for their respective songwriting, however, and since Hazard was still recording at Dragonetti’s studio, the two began sharing the songs they had written about their breakup. This collaboration also rekindled their romance and the two got back together, recorded the breakup songs, and ultimately married. Their 2006 album Declare a New State! was mastered by a friend as a wedding present. As a reflection of better times, their 2008 release Honeysuckle Weeks featured much happier songs.

My Take On Weddings

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The wedding industry is an extremely profitable one, and for good reason. Everyone who has ever fantasized about walking down the aisle has constructed an image of that special day, and women are especially prone to envisioning all the details, from the perfect gown, to the perfect venue, flowers, cake, etc.

I have a problem with elaborate weddings because the expenditure of money is usually so significant that soon-to-be-married couples often risk drowning in debt as a result of that desire to make everything perfect. I am not saying that weddings shouldn’t occur, but I also don’t think it makes sense to spend a ridiculous amount of money on them either. Some couples are sensible about their wedding plans and opt for ceremony, reception and honeymoon plans which won’t break the bank. I have even heard of some couples who have eloped and taken the money that might have been spent on a big wedding and used it as a down payment on a home, which makes FAR more sense to me.

Another red flag which I have noticed among some couples is when couples who haven’t worked out their relationship issues turn to a wedding as a miracle cure for all the strife which they are experiencing. I firmly believe that a couple should regard a wedding as a true celebration of what they have achieved together, instead of as a band-aid or a means of appeasing relatives who are pressuring them to wed. If communication is poor and multiple issues threaten the fabric of a relationship, the stress of planning a wedding will only fan the flames of discord. wedding rings

Before you assume that I am anti-wedding, let me be clear and reveal that I was married for four years once and loved being married. The only problem was that my husband and I were not the best match for each other. I am on the fence about the idea of remarrying and don’t feel that it is necessary for me to do so. What IS important to me is establishing a great relationship and great communication, regardless of whether a marriage license binds me to a man.

Relationships Aren’t What They Used To Be

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angry-man-and-womanRelationships take some work to keep them humming along, and some couples are actually fortunate enough to find a formula which nurtures their interaction and enables them to beat the odds. Sadly, though, it just seems like most people these days are too quick to jump ship. Perhaps it has something to do with the promise of the bigger, better deal which multiple dating sites proffer, but I believe the restlessness and discontent are largely due to laziness. Our society is so rapid fire, with the convenience of social media ironically causing a veritable breakdown of true communication and intimacy, that as soon as conflict arises with someone, the instinct to flee seems to rear its ugly head. Gone are the days of working issues out over many decades, staying the course and serving as an example of everlasting love. The art of compromise seems to be lost, and people often will cohabitate or marry with separation or divorce viewed as an easy escape route. It’s no wonder that breakups seem to be happening more frequently now.

Love and relationships are almost treated like fast food, and the sad thing is that through the common lack of willingness to constructively work through conflict, many relationships become disposable. Like fast food, weak or unstable relationships begin to resemble fast food, full of empty calories and ultimately bad for the system. Also like fast food, weak unions may cause cravings for more of the same, and a vicious pattern may ensue. If you ask yourself why you keep picking the same type of person, it is time to look at the reasons why you are drawn to that type of person and do whatever personal work you need to do in order to break such patterns. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with the next person.

I have talked to couples who have been together for four, five, six decades and they have all said the same thing about weathering the storm through the years and enjoying a lasting union. It seems to boil down to two very important guidelines:

1. ALWAYS RESPECT EACH OTHER. Psychologists say that a clear sign of impending demise for a relationship is when partners fail to respect each other. Insulting, name calling and blaming are the clearest signs, but there are other indications of a lack of respect, such as lack of emotional support for a partner when major life events occur. This doesn’t mean that successful couples never fight, they just argue in a constructive fashion and allow each other the opportunity to vent all frustrations and concerns without interrupting or attacking.

2. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Rather than nitpicking about little things, successful couples let them go. If irritating issues arise, calmly discussing the issue is far more successful than bickering about minor incidents like the trash not being thrown out, or the toothpaste cap being left off. However, both partners must be receptive to active and constructive communication. If one partner is hostile and unyielding, the petty issues will erode intimacy and affection.