Tag psychology

When You Can’t Catch Up

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Every day I have the best intentions. I have my schedule mapped out and tear into it like a beast. But all too frequently, one or more hiccups in the timeline mess up my perfect plans to get a plethora of things done. That being said, I move like a dynamo and get more done than the average person does, mainly because I don’t lead a normal life, and am extremely ambitious. But just when I think I am about to catch up in one area of my life, I get dumped on in another area. I suppose it’s just how life goes, but sometimes it is so maddening to see my to-do list for the day unravel despite all my efforts. It certainly doesn’t appeal to my sense of order and control.

RunningLate

I know many of you who are reading this can relate. Opportunities are blessed things, but when you can barely come up for air and you can’t attend to the most basic things like buying groceries, doing laundry, or catching enough sleep, you are teetering way off balance and need to pay attention. By no means am I suggesting that you abandon your responsibilities in favor of wanton playtime, but no one should be that busy all the time. The body and mind cannot endure such constant stress and will rebel eventually, usually through physical illness, depression or anxiety.

I have been travelling through my days at a frenetic pace lately, and can tell the stress has exerted a toll on me. So last Saturday, after I had completed my workouts and run a few errands, I just said, “SCREW IT”, and headed over to a local movie theater by myself to see “Grand Budapest Hotel”, despite the fact that I had work waiting for me at home. I happily turned off my phone and nestled into the fantasy world of the film for close to two hours. I felt no guilt whatsoever, and was completely refreshed by my little getaway.

Another thing I have just begun doing lately is sifting through all the contacts and opportunities before me, setting boundaries, and learning to say NO when appropriate. This has been huge for me, since I usually do everything in my power to please and take care of people. Though I am pretty good about putting the oxygen mask on my own face, I will often opt to make someone else more comfortable at my own expense. I have noticed that if my movement and freedom are compromised, I become extremely frustrated, yet I also understand that I often bring that upon myself. The most compelling thing about this situation is that it is one that I see over and over again with other people. It’s almost like a cosmic movement, a tendency towards losing control, taking on more than what is reasonable, and draining the body and spirit of resources instead of replenishing and supporting those resources.

My take-home message is to:

1. take a break every now and then to recharge your batteries
2. learn to say no when appropriate
3. honor yourself

The sooner you learn to achieve balance, the happier and more productive you will be.

If I Scratch Your Back, Will You Scratch Mine?

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The internet has made it incredibly easy for people and businesses to reach out to each other and cross-promote. But it also makes it easier for opportunistic people to use another person’s social media platform to boost exposure for their businesses. Though some people have been polite enough to write direct messages to me, asking if I would be willing to promote their businesses or causes, I find it rather off-putting when I don’t know the people at all. It is presumptuous to contact a personality or celebrity, throw in a compliment, then launch into, “Hey, please promote my business by sharing this link. Thanks!” with no offer of co-promotion. When was the last time you felt compelled to promote a business you knew nothing about, owned by someone who was a stranger to you, who had the balls to write to you and try to persuade you to post links all over YOUR timeline, with zero benefit for you?

Let me be very clear in stating that my social media platforms are MY platforms. If I choose to promote a business, it is because I know and respect the people who run it, and I know about their products and services. All those elements must be in place. I refuse to promote a business I know nothing about. It is not my responsibility as a fitness personality to offer free advertising for businesses that want to increase their exposure. If you notice my posts on social media, I promote businesses I have had experience with and usually have worked with, so I can vouch for the quality of what they provide or sell. I will never serve as a talking head for something I do not fully believe in.
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Another thing I NEVER do is private message people asking them to promote my services. Yet I get such messages from complete strangers telling me how great their company is and how I should be nice and offer free advertising by sharing a link on my page. I would only consider such a thing if I am familiar with the company or I know and like the person who runs the company. If the person sweetens the pot by offering to cross-promote or bring me on as a compensated spokesperson, that’s even better. It’s not that I think I am all that, but please don’t expect me to be amenable to having people ride my coattails unless there is some sort of benefit. It goes both ways!

Hey Baby, Come Here Often?

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lean abs at gymAt the risk of sounding like a complete bitch, I am about to rant about men who foolishly try to pick up on women while at the gym. I have yet to find a woman who actually enjoys being hit on while she is trying to exercise, yet men continue to make attempts to ask women out in that setting. I have actually had men interrupt me in the middle of my set, motioned for me to take my earbuds out, then launched into very canned remarks such as, “You look like you work out a lot!”, “What do you do to get your body looking so good?”, etc. After a couple of questions, the bold query for my “digits” occurs, which always amazes me since the men clearly fail to read my complete lack of interest and moderate aggravation.

I am a relatively approachable person and enjoy talking to people, but NEVER at the gym. When I am at the gym, I am on a mission to work out like a warrior, move quickly from exercise to exercise, and leave quickly. I do NOT go to the gym to meet new people, and I REFUSE to allow a man’s efforts to hit on me to disrupt any of my workouts. My attitude at the gym is, get out of my way and let me work out! I have been weightlifting for more than 25 years and have NEVER been compelled to accept someone’s invitation for a date while at the gym.

No woman is going to look at your sweaty, smelly mess and think, oh yeah, I really want this guy to ask me out on a date. Not unless she has already harbored a crush on you and has been hoping that you would ask her out. In fact, I have actually been turned OFF by men I was attracted to when I had to stand next to them while they were dripping sweat. So imagine what must go through my mind if I am NOT attracted to you and you boldly approach me with gym stench and ask me out!

Don’t Box Me In: Labels

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Label jars not peopleLabels drive me nuts. Truly they do. I am one of those individuals who consistently does not clearly fit into a category, a fact which challenges the sense of order which some people rely on. I know that I am not a “typical” anything, so I get pretty bent out of shape when someone expresses confusion because I cannot be fit into a nicely labeled box. I find myself wanting to ask, “What is a typical (doctor, 40-something, Californian, woman, etc.) to you, anyway?”

I have never traveled the beaten path, ever. This has defined my existence from conception, which came about in a somewhat unorthodox fashion. I can’t even check one box for ethnicity on surveys due to my Asian and Caucasian backgrounds. I looked different from EVERYONE in my grade school class. I was the only 16 year old in my class at high school graduation. I experienced college in a different way, then zigzagged through all the interests I wanted to explore, applying to medical school at the age of 30. By that time, I had modeled, acted, done graphic design and fashion design, worked retail, worked office jobs, worked as a personal assistant for a celebrity, became a beauty pageant queen, worked as a fitness trainer, and worked as an optometric technician.

Even as a IFBB Bodybuilding Pro, my division (Bikini) is considered a bit controversial due to the fact that this division is constantly being redefined. I am, at the age of 47, much older than most IFBB Bikini Pros. I am one of a select few physician-Pros in the industry. I LIKE standing out in a crowd, whether it is my physical appearance, my educational background, or my life experiences which set me apart from the crowd.
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I am also intrigued by others who in similar fashion boldly contradict labels and stereotypes as they navigate through life. It is human nature to express individuality, to be recognized and set apart from the crowd. Hopefully that is something I will continue to do, since I enjoy it so much. Instead of having my footsteps muddied by those of so many others along a beaten path, I will always forge my own course.

Not Camera Shy!

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Me at 17 and at 47

Me at 17 and at 47

From as far back as I can remember both my parents had a tendency to CONSTANTLY put me in front of the camera lens. This included instant cameras, portrait sittings, catalog shoots, and commercials. I even had a product signing at the age of 13 in New York City! Consequently, I became very accustomed to being in front of the camera, so much so that by the time I reached my teen years, I desperately wanted to do high fashion modeling. This played perfectly into my then waifish frame and my love of fashion. Alas, my 5’5″ frame was too short for high fashion. I was still able to do some print modeling which I enjoyed immensely.

My mid-20’s were punctuated with a foray into pageants after I won the queen title at a Japanese-American festival in my area. I then went through three months of pageant prep for a larger competition. It was quite an experience to perform for three hours in front of 1,000 people, dancing, sporting a kimono and an evening gown, and giving a speech. It was terrifying, mostly because I was performing for an audience and not for a camera lens. Then we had visitations for an entire week, and wherever we went, we would be attacked by literally 15 to 20 photographers trying to take our pictures. It was a complete immersion in my Japanese culture and an intense exposure to celebrity status. Little did I know then that in another two decades, being in front of a camera would once again become a VERY regular thing.

There were only two occasions in my life when I shied away from the camera. One was when I was 19 years old and battling anorexia. At one point, I got down to 85 pounds. I was ashamed, sick, miserable. I avoided the camera until my weight crept back up to triple digits. Another period during which I avoided the camera was when I went through my medical training. I was on lockdown for seven years, and because I was also married during that time, I had no real interest in pursuing any type of modeling or acting endeavors.

The tide once again shifted dramatically when I began competing in 2009. I have become very accustomed once again to being in front of the camera on a regular basis, especially in the era of camera phones and the ever so popular “selfie”. I have photo shoots throughout the year and truly look forward to creating new looks and moods with different photographers. It is a creative process, a wild ride, and a chance to play dress up and not take myself so seriously. I have come a long way from that terrified young lady who graced the stage in her 20’s, and feel comfortable strutting onstage in a bikini. I am not threatened by the lineup of photographers at the front of the stage. That would never have been the case for me two decades ago, because I found the stage a bit daunting.

I sometimes take my ease with being in front of the camera for granted, and am reminded of this when I see people who are camera shy. I understand that it can be pretty rattling to bare one’s moods and soul to a camera lens, but I also know that you can let that camera lens represent anything you want it to be. If you are secure in who you are, your essence will come through in a photo capture. If you have an interest in modeling but are grappling with camera shyness, it might be a good idea to just dive in and have fun with it!

Keeping Up With Social Media Posts

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SelfieSocial media avenues give people the opportunity to network, build business, increase exposure and connect with others all over the world. They are excellent tools for people who are trying to become the next big thing. But I have to file a grievance…if I had all the time in a day to post selfies and inspirational posts, I would, but because I have a career outside of fitness, I simply do not have that luxury. Numerous people have told me that I need to be more aggressive about posting pertinent items on social media channels, but they don’t realize that I am overwhelmed by what I have on my plate. I manage all three websites I have established, as well as my blog site, Twitter, Instagram, and three Facebook pages. Add to that my work schedule, photo shoots, video shoots, writing projects, training clients, food prep, etc., and I have little time to take alluring pics of myself all day. When I do take selfies at the gym or at work, people think I am being vain. So I am hit from both sides. Either I am not being aggressive enough, or I am self-absorbed. Pretty frustrating.

I also have to admit that I have a crappy camera on my phone which refuses to deliver consistently great images. I get so tired of having the wrong angle, poor lighting, or having a reach that is insufficient. Apparently, the teens and 20-somethings seem to have figured out all the best camera phone angles, and spend considerable pockets of time cropping, adding films and effects, text, borders, etc. to make their posts incredibly eye-catching. I have to admit that I am a bit envious of such skill. What cracks me up is that I have recently seen articles in major women’s fashion magazines on how to take a good selfie, indicating how much this phenomenon has become a common means of connecting with the world.

It’s pretty funny how some haters actually give ME a hard time about taking ANY time to snap selfies, often scolding me and telling me to “get back to work” or “be productive”. I guess if you’re over a certain age or if you are a career professional you aren’t allowed to avail yourself of social media avenues and post selfies? I may not be the best at it, nor do I have a ton of time to perfect the images I post, but I will do what I can to stay current and connect with the world while also honoring my responsibilities outside of cyberworld.

Being Neutral

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Dark Light NeutralThe most evolved people I know have an ability to approach emotionally charged situations with neutrality. Neutrality requires our complete awareness, so it is different from apathy, which causes a disengagement from awareness and attention. True neutrality prevents us from engaging in vicious cycles of emotional engagement and repulsion which are so common in strained personal relationships. It takes emotion out of the equation.

However, it can be exceedingly difficult to be neutral, especially when dealing with individuals and situations which rapidly ignite a response or reaction from us. Though I try repeatedly to hold myself back, I find myself reacting to certain individuals in my life who have a very strong emotional pull on me. Counting to ten, breathing, and walking away from situations are tactics which can work in the short term to keep us from reacting, but the challenge to remain neutral is constant for many people including me.

I know that the best way to approach people who push buttons is to have compassion and to come from that neutral place, but at the core, we are only human and that tendency to react rears its sometimes ugly head to remind us of that fact. I recently found myself in a situation in which I was beginning to get very upset, so I sat and meditated for a few minutes, holding the energy and trying my best to stay neutral. Yet the very next day I was flailing wildly with my emotions, distraught, hurt, allowing myself to react and throwing neutrality completely out the window. I felt the reactive energy in my chest, like I had been physically hit there. I was actually choking on it and having difficulty breathing. The more I expressed it, the more ill I felt. The next day, I was forced to deal with the aftermath of my emotional pain, my chest full and achy, as if my heart was literally breaking. I am sure many of you have experienced physical manifestations of emotions. Though there is still some resistance, the medical community has become increasingly more aware of the connection of the mind and body when dealing with depression, anxiety, grief, anger and any other emotion which may be troubling.

Two of the most effective ways to learn neutrality are to meditate or to practice breathing techniques to increase awareness of the energy around you. I have personally noticed that when I meditate more regularly, I am much calmer and find it easy to come from a neutral place when dealing with situations which would normally get me all riled up. When I come from a neutral place, misunderstandings and arguments are defused. I have to remind myself frequently to come from a neutral place, and I recognize that this is not an easy process. By forcing myself to sit with my own energy, I am better able to transform it. If a situation is truly unsolvable, I have learned to walk away from it instead of trying to fix it. Otherwise, it’s like running into a wall repeatedly.

Try to come from a neutral place the next time you feel your anger or frustration welling up inside you. Your spirit will grow and you will end up much happier.

Get Off The Hamster Wheel

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hamster-wheelThere isn’t a single person I have interacted with lately who has been able to enjoy a respite from the frenetic life pace which seems prevalent. Honestly, EVERYONE seems to be frazzled, running from place to place, trying to get massive amounts of work done in a limited amount of time. After a while, the days seem to blend into one another and we may feel like we are running in an endless circle, very much like a hamster on a wheel. I know that feeling well and always think that I can somehow catch up. Alas, I never do. Yet the next day I start up again, hoping to finally catch up on every project, all the while knowing that it won’t happen.

What may send ripples of anxiety through people is the concept of stepping off the hamster wheel on a regular basis. I can already hear people saying, “What??? Don’t you know how much stuff I have to get done today?” Let’s be honest: there will ALWAYS be something on the to-do list that we feel must be done. But when we allow ourselves to take a break from the constant movement, we can finally be present and cause our weary bodies, minds and spirits to reset. When this reset occurs, we can tackle projects and work with renewed vigor. And though some of us may not believe this, taking a break will not result in a collapse of all that we have worked on. The work will be there when we are ready to return to it.

You may be asking if I practice this regularly, and I have to admit that it doesn’t happen nearly as much as I would like. But at least now I realize that the coach won’t turn into a pumpkin if I take a little break from the fast paced life I lead, even if the break is longer than a few minutes. Getting off the wheel also opens you up to new ways of thinking and new possibilities so that you can reach goals more effectively. Physiologically, it gives your overtaxed adrenal glands, cardiovascular system and thyroid a rest too, not to mention your nervous system, gut, etc. So give yourself a break!

Finding Your Inner Goddess

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It almost seems to be part of the female state these days to become wrapped up in the needs of others so completely that a woman’s needs and strengths are often neglected. Between having a full time job, children, a spouse or partner, and elderly parents to care for, there is little room for personal time. However, I am a firm believer in making time for oneself, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. When a woman sets aside some time for herself every day, whether it is for a workout, manicure, massage, meditation, or a pleasant stroll alone, she recharges her spiritual batteries and finds her center. When this center is nurtured daily, it grows like a flower. The inner goddess is awakened, and because of this, a woman who does this is better able to cope with daily demands and is a better mother, partner, and daughter.

Women are natural multitaskers because we forced into that role, many times at a very early age. But the inner goddess is like the energy cell that serves as the main power source. I have seen women go through the motions with serving their loved ones, completely devoid of motivation, moving like automatons because that core energy cell is almost completely drained. Since we women are seen as nurturers, we should recognize the need to nurture OURSELVES.

I know that women have become keenly interested in competing in bodybuilding events in recent years because of this new awareness of the inner goddess. While I am not suggesting that every woman should elect to compete in a bodybuilding event in an effort to fortify the inner goddess, it’s not a bad idea for ladies who are considering such a journey. What these competitions do is shift the focus onto the woman, putting her in a position in which she MUST address her own needs. It is an interesting shift and I never tire of seeing the transformation which occurs as a result. It is almost like a lightbulb goes off in their heads and they suddenly realize how much they had neglected their own needs.

For women who have no desire to compete, I suggest taking up a hobby or class in something they have had a lot of interest in. The important element here is to set aside time for oneself on a regular basis and to recognize that it is NOT selfish to cultivate one’s own interests. You can still be superwoman and take care of your family, but take care of YOURSELF too.woman-hugging-herself
Once you learn how to connect with your inner goddess, you will wonder how you ever survived without that connection.

Relationships Aren’t What They Used To Be

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angry-man-and-womanRelationships take some work to keep them humming along, and some couples are actually fortunate enough to find a formula which nurtures their interaction and enables them to beat the odds. Sadly, though, it just seems like most people these days are too quick to jump ship. Perhaps it has something to do with the promise of the bigger, better deal which multiple dating sites proffer, but I believe the restlessness and discontent are largely due to laziness. Our society is so rapid fire, with the convenience of social media ironically causing a veritable breakdown of true communication and intimacy, that as soon as conflict arises with someone, the instinct to flee seems to rear its ugly head. Gone are the days of working issues out over many decades, staying the course and serving as an example of everlasting love. The art of compromise seems to be lost, and people often will cohabitate or marry with separation or divorce viewed as an easy escape route. It’s no wonder that breakups seem to be happening more frequently now.

Love and relationships are almost treated like fast food, and the sad thing is that through the common lack of willingness to constructively work through conflict, many relationships become disposable. Like fast food, weak or unstable relationships begin to resemble fast food, full of empty calories and ultimately bad for the system. Also like fast food, weak unions may cause cravings for more of the same, and a vicious pattern may ensue. If you ask yourself why you keep picking the same type of person, it is time to look at the reasons why you are drawn to that type of person and do whatever personal work you need to do in order to break such patterns. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with the next person.

I have talked to couples who have been together for four, five, six decades and they have all said the same thing about weathering the storm through the years and enjoying a lasting union. It seems to boil down to two very important guidelines:

1. ALWAYS RESPECT EACH OTHER. Psychologists say that a clear sign of impending demise for a relationship is when partners fail to respect each other. Insulting, name calling and blaming are the clearest signs, but there are other indications of a lack of respect, such as lack of emotional support for a partner when major life events occur. This doesn’t mean that successful couples never fight, they just argue in a constructive fashion and allow each other the opportunity to vent all frustrations and concerns without interrupting or attacking.

2. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Rather than nitpicking about little things, successful couples let them go. If irritating issues arise, calmly discussing the issue is far more successful than bickering about minor incidents like the trash not being thrown out, or the toothpaste cap being left off. However, both partners must be receptive to active and constructive communication. If one partner is hostile and unyielding, the petty issues will erode intimacy and affection.