Get Out Of Your Own Head!

61300034 - picture of young sad woman in the kitchen

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Copyright : Kamil Macniak 
 

I’m writing this as much for myself as I am writing it for you readers. I had been meaning to write a blog post about how to break the vicious cycle of overthinking which comes with anxiety. Honestly, there really is no point to worrying about what may happen, and there is never a good enough reason to lose sleep. Yet many of us will toss and turn, ruminating over current dilemmas, and robbing ourselves of precious slumber, all because we just can’t turn off our brains.

When we obsess over situations which we have little power to change in that moment, we act like hamsters on a wheel, going endlessly around and around, finding no exit and no solution.  So why do we do it?  How do we let it go?

Though it can be difficult to break free from the urge to keep thinking about how to solve problems in our lives, doing so is a vital component in calming our nerves and keeping us balanced and sane.  So the next time you find yourself fretting over something like a conflict at work, a financial issue, or something else which has you all tied up in knots, do the following:

  1. Ask yourself, “Will worrying about my issue help me in any way to solve it?”  If the answer is no (and it usually is no), then there truly is NO POINT to thinking about it.  Let it go, breathe, and get on with your day.  
  2. If you just can’t turn off your thoughts, then grab a notebook and a pen, and write down a list of all pros and cons and potential solutions you can think of.  Then put your notes away and don’t look at them until the next day.  Quite frequently, you will find your answer in those notes you scribbled.
  3. Remember that there is ALWAYS another way to look at a situation, even if you think you are stuck.  So think outside the box.  
  4. Sleep on it.  We often get ourselves so worked up about conflicts and obstacles, that simply getting a good night’s sleep can help to clear our thoughts so that we can tackle such conflicts with a refreshed mind.  

 

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People Who Say These 5 Words Have Very Low Emotional Intelligence

Please check out the post at:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/mind-and-soul/people-who-say-these-5-words-have-very-low-emotional-intelligence/ar-AAyz0K5?ocid=spartanntp

I have copied and pasted the article here for you for convenience.

Who agrees with Bill Murphy’s assessment? Who disagrees?

Most people would probably agree with both Bill Murphy and Justin Bariso, and bristle when someone makes the statement, “I know how you feel.” No one truly knows how you feel, because your experience is unique and important. Such a statement does nothing to communicate empathy, but instead alienates the listener. Remember that sharing your particular experience in an effort to comfort the other person detracts from his or her own experience. It’s best to either keep your mouth shut, or just say, “I’m sorry that happened.” Be an ear to bend, not a barometer by which the other person must measure his or her own troubling experience.

By Bill Murphy Jr. of Inc.

They mean the exact opposite of what you think. But only emotionally intelligent people understand why.

The words hit me like a hurricane: “I know how you feel.”

They’re right there on pages 80 and 81 of my colleague Justin Bariso’s new book about emotional intelligence. They’re simple words, and real–and yet as Justin writes, they’re also absolutely the wrong thing to say to those who confide in you with their problems or fears.

These situations are tough, sometimes. You’ve been trusted. You want to develop rapport. You want to act the way somebody with real emotional intelligence would act.

You want to help.

Yet, rather than creating a connection, “I know how you feel” and other phrases like it build a wall between you and the other person.

The phrase suggests that you don’t truly understand what the other person feels at all. (Really, how could you?) It suggests that you feel the need to turn the conversation toward your experience, not his or hers, and that ultimately you don’t really care about that person’s concerns after all.

In other words, this five-word phrase sends a message that’s 100 percent the opposite of what you intend.

So don’t say, “I know how you feel.” Here’s what to do instead.

Shift vs. support

If you’ve read this far, I suspect you really do care about people. But like me perhaps, you don’t always realize the true effects of your words.

The solution, as sociologist Charles Derber suggests, and Celeste Headlee summarizes, is to gauge your responses in real time, and ask yourself whether you’re offering a “shift response” or a “support response.”

What’s the difference?

A shift response involves an attempt to guide the conversation toward your life experiences, and away from the experiences of the person you’re ostensibly listening to and perhaps even trying to help.

A support response sets aside your ego, and instead keeps the focus on the other person’s feelings and experience.

Conversational narcissism

A few examples will make this very clear. In each case below, just imagine that a friend or colleague opens a conversation with the highlighted statement. Then think about how each response would make him or her feel.

1. “My boss doesn’t respect me.”

Shift response: “I went through the exact same thing last year. I wound up leaving and finding a better job.”

Support response: “I’m sorry to hear that. What makes you feel that way?”

2. “If I could just get organized, I’d have the world on a string.”

Shift response: “I know–I have the same problem.”

Support response: “What do you think stops you from being organized?”

3. “I’m so sad since my breakup.”

Shift response: “You just need to get back out there and start dating again.”

Support response: “What do you think stops you from being able to move forward?”

Derber calls the whole phenomenon, at least the part in which well-meaning people shift the discussion to their own experience, “conversational narcissism.”

Is that a $20 phrase to describe a $1 problem? Maybe. But it does make it clear.

“I can imagine…”

As Justin puts it in his book, the successful strategy to communicate effectively and leverage emotional intelligence requires avoiding phrases like these:

“I know exactly how you feel.”

“I’ve been through this before.”

“I completely understand; or, I get it.”

And replacing them instead with things like the following:

“I’m sorry that happened.”

“I can imagine how you may feel.”

“Thanks for sharing this. Tell me more.”

Actually, I might take issue even with “I can imagine how you may feel.” But we’ll leave it in.

Just remember that the whole point here is to acknowledge how hard it is to really put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and instead make clear that you have empathy.

You’re trying to understand–even as you acknowledge that full success might not ever be possible. The true connection that you’re both looking for comes with the well-communicated attempt.

No Such Thing As Impossible

Theres-ALWAYS-a-Solution-to-Your-Problem

I have always believed strongly in the expression, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”. I proudly demonstrate this belief in everything I do, and don’t respond well to people who tell me that something can’t be done.

Several weeks ago, an air conditioning repair man was sent to our house to investigate the reason why our central A/C unit was not functioning properly. After an hour of inspecting the entire system, the repair man launched into an explanation of what was happening. Here’s how it all went down:

REPAIR MAN: “As you suspected, there IS a leak, but it is in a spot where it can’t be repaired.”

ME: “Well, that is completely unacceptable. Of COURSE there is a way to repair it. Now tell me HOW it can be repaired.”

– REPAIR MAN looks at ME with surprise and apprehension.

REPAIR MAN: “Okay, here’s what’s really happening. The leak is in a spot that is impossible to get to, so basically the entire coil must be replaced. I certainly don’t think the owner would be happy about having to replace the entire coil, since it is a big job and pretty costly.”

It is absolutely unacceptable to me to have someone tell me that a solution to a problem doesn’t exist. That is when I call bullshit. There MUST be a solution, especially when dealing with maintenance people or customer service. In the situation I described above, the A/C repair man’s assessment was influenced by the fact that he was intimidated by the owner. He knew there was a solution, but was reluctant to share it with me because his interests were with the management company and the owner of the property.

What blows my mind is that I have been in the middle of a number of situations this year in which I was told that no solution existed, and every time, I challenged the person making such a statement. And you know what? Every time a solution suddenly appeared out of nowhere to quell my rising ire. I will admit that when pushed, I can turn from zero to bitch in no time flat, but this isn’t about being bitchy. There is ALWAYS a solution.
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