A Devastating Spell

It’s a bizarre and devastating experience to be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. What is frightening is that by the time you realize that you are in a relationship with one, you are wrapped around their little finger, ensnared, and under their complete control. Narcissists know exactly how to invade your sense of self. They will lie to you, trick you and everyone else into believing they can do no wrong, then once you are solidly in their spell, no amount of struggling will set you free. It is only when you are completely drained and discarded by the narcissist that you can be freed. The narcissist always calls the shots.

Narcissists are abusive, manipulative, controlling, yet they will convince you into upholding the illusion they have created for themselves and those around them that they are great people. The rest of the world is tricked into believing that the narcissist is so wonderful, and that you must be nuts for not sharing that opinion. You will feel like you can’t reveal them for what they truly are, because they will threaten and bully you to the point where your fear of them will overwhelm your desire to expose them.

They will take away your power, slowly but surely. I used to refer to one ex as kryptonite, because he truly was that for me. Any time I tried to stand up for myself, I just lacked the strength to do so. What’s crazy is that I wasn’t like that in other relationships either, only with him. He would bully me, toss me aside, then pull me back to him all on his whim, and I would willingly allow him to do that to me repeatedly.

Narcissists lack the emotional equipment to genuinely love, and they are also incapable of feeling empathy. The driving force for narcissists to establish romantic relationships is to gain the attention they so desperately crave, and to have a whipping boy to throw all their angst onto. Having been the whipping boy, I can tell you it is pure torture to be under the rule of a narcissist. And since narcissists never want to play by the rules, some may stubbornly refuse to hold down solid, gainful employment because it is somehow beneath them. Never mind that they can’t make ends meet, their stubborn pride won’t allow them to suck it up and do what’s necessary, especially if there is an empath or codependent who is under their control and willing to rescue them. Narcissists always exclude themselves from the rest of the crowd, believing that they are indeed special and worth more than those around them. This exaggerated sense of self-importance never abates either.

A codependent or empath who is in a relationship with a narcissist strives constantly to obtain the approval of the narcissist. However, nothing is ever good enough for the narcissist, and the codependent is made to feel worthless. Everything is the fault of the codependent, and the narcissist always walks away unscathed.

The following passage which I found online blew me away. It is very descriptive of the attraction between empaths and narcissists:

“Empaths/Highly Sensitive people are hypersensitive to the emotions and energy of other people. They are often natural healers and caretakers, both admirable traits to have. Unfortunately, these traits often lead to being vibrationally attracted to Narcissists. This explains the recent focus on Empaths and Narcissists in a relationship. The Empath/HSP is a natural giver, while the Narcissist is in an infinite state of need. They literally attract one another like magnets.”

When I was in one relationship with a narcissist, I also suffered from adrenal burnout and severe hormonal imbalance. If I had remained in this toxic relationship, I am sure I would have met an early demise. Some researchers have determined that long-term stress causes changes in one’s DNA. Psychological abuse from being in a relationship with a narcissist is also considerable, and once the relationship has ended, the victim can experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) and severe depression.

Narcissists walk through life with armor which functions as their façade or false self. They will present only those behaviors which will earn them attention and praise. The charming person who presents to the outside world and who also shows up right after an episode of bullying is the same person who will insult, invalidate and demean his or her partner every day. The partner learns to blame himself or herself when confronted with the narcissist’s abusive behavior, and will go to great lengths to appease the narcissist. However, once the narcissist has moved into the devaluation phase of the relationship, nothing the partner can do will win the narcissist’s favor. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation in which any anger or frustration demonstrated by the partner will be construed as an attack, while sitting in silent suffering will cause the narcissist to view the partner with complete disdain.

Once the narcissist has moved into the discard phase, the abuser is in full view. He will reveal his complete cruelty and indifference to you as you are kicked to the curb like a dirty rag. All that shows is pure contempt and hatred, and your value drops to zero in the narcissist’s eyes because you are no longer of any use to him.

At that point, the best thing to do is to BLOCK the narcissist from your life and move on. Be thankful that you were finally set free from a hideous cycle of psychological abuse. Love yourself, value who you are, and heal.

Here is my final message to the narcissists who tricked me into being with them.

One day you will kick yourself for not recognizing what you had when you had it. I no longer care if you suffer, and know that it was never my responsibility to rescue you financially or emotionally, despite the fact that I did it for years. You constantly told me that I wasn’t what you wanted, and were so intent on destroying anything good, anything viable, anything that diverted even the slightest bit of attention away from you. I was never allowed to show my feelings, positive or negative. I wasn’t allowed to be affectionate, or tell you how much I loved you. I learned to expect you to reject every spontaneous hug, caress or kiss from me. Stupid me for not seeing that you didn’t appreciate ANYTHING I did.

You taught my heart that opening up was somehow naughty, something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. You would get angry at me for the stupidest things, and you took me to Crazytown because that’s where you lived. I was never good enough, pretty enough, just never enough in your eyes. You treated me like the enemy because I now see that you were MY enemy. I could never do right by you.

The shackles are gone. I am free. Thank you.

When People Are Full Of Hate

in-order-for-you-to-insuld-me-i-would-first-have-to-value-your-opinion

One of the hazards of posting on social media is that you run the risk of catching the attention of complete sociopaths who seem to have nothing better to do than to spread hate by posting negative comments on other people’s posts. I was utterly shocked to see a very negative comment added onto a Tweet I posted just now. It was ugly and mean-spirited, and it definitely hurt me to my core. The gist of the comment was that I was a dime a dozen, and will never win anything (hmmm, good to know). This was posted by a guy who had the look of a sociopath in his soulless eyes. I briefly scanned his profile before blocking him, and noticed that EVERY single Tweet he had (I scanned about ten posts down) was hateful and negative.

It truly blows my mind that a jerk like the guy I had to block would exert such an effort to spread negative energy. I have no desire to fend off creeps like this, so I block them immediately. They are loose cannons who look for victims to cyberbully, and there is no way to predict how far they will take their hatred. I will not tolerate such energy and always automatically block them, and if they are especially nasty or threatening, I will file an official report of abuse. I realize that I am more susceptible to such contentious people because I have built a name for myself and I put myself out there constantly, but it is not fair to blast me when my posts are primarily meant to inspire my fans and followers and entertain friends. The fact that some people go out of their way to be mean and to spread hate is mind-boggling to me. I begin to wonder what kind of karmic load they are carrying to spread so much negativity.

What is the best way to defuse hostility? It is always best to refrain from reacting to it. Physically walking away, ignoring hateful statements, employing the blocking feature on social media sites, email, and cell phones, smiling at the person who is being difficult can all work in neutralizing the bad energy.

Eulogy For Rob Willhite

FEW CROSS OVER THE RIVER.
MOST ARE STRANDED ON THIS SIDE.
ON THE RIVERBANK THEY RUN UP AND DOWN.
BUT THE WISE MAN, FOLLOWING THE WAY,
CROSSES OVER, BEYOND THE REACH OF DEATH.
– Buddha

One day eight years ago I met Rob and was immediately struck by his elegant stature and his calm and kind demeanor. What was most striking, though, was a spirit presence, something ethereal that I couldn’t define, and it was that presence that put me in awe of him. He kindly invited me to join his meditation group, and I gladly obliged. And so began my journey into more structured meditation, a connection to the cosmos, and a deep friendship.

I remember being somewhat intimidated by Rob, and I realize that this was my own little grasshopper mind coupled with egoic limitations that were causing me to experience that feeling of intimidation. Rob’s “Robisms” reminded me to ponder in more enlightened ways, and I took great comfort in hearing him utter one of his typical sage sayings and following it with either a grin or a chuckle, and a twinkle in the eye that revealed the little boy that still wanted to laugh and play.

Then when Rob was diagnosed last Fall and I heard of all the trials and tribulations he was enduring, I realized that everything this remarkable man had experienced in his life was coming to a head and that the ultimate test was yet to come. I drove to Rancho Los Amigos a couple of days after his surgery to see him, not sure what I would encounter. Yet as I laid my eyes upon Rob, a great surge of joy washed through me, and this joy continued as we talked and joked around, laughed and smiled. He was in such great spirits that even though I was devastated to hear of his diagnosis, it didn’t seem to matter, because we were truly in the moment, friends enjoying each other’s company. Rob’s wonderful dry wit was still very much intact and he used it to say things that had me chuckling at his bedside.

1016444_696074497089656_1678297_nShortly after Rob was discharged to Bess’s home this past December, I made regular scheduled visits to help out, and continued to do so through most of March. Every single one of those days I spent with Rob was an absolute treasure. Our conversations ran the gamut of profound, funny, tragic, and philosophical. Most days we would go for a walk or visit the neighbor dogs for a bit, and on some days he and I would meditate. Our jaunts to the L.A. Zoo were also very special and I feel so fortunate to have gone with Rob there. He missed his animal friends so very much and was able to have two wonderful reunions with them. The first time we visited, Leadbottom, the Andean Condor, was being a butthead and refused to come to the fence to greet Rob, but during our second visit, Leadbottom finally relented, and I witnessed the friendship and bond which they shared. It was truly a magical moment.

Though I had known Rob for several years, it was only this year that I learned that Rob was a man who had never felt, as he stated, like he belonged on this earth. I knew what he meant. He was so evolved spiritually that being locked in the physical realm was challenging at best with him. We spoke at length about countless other subjects during my regular visits, and he revealed more of his life experiences and upbringing to me, making him more endearing and real, and dissolving the silly intimidation I had once felt so long ago. He expressed gratitude towards me many times for helping out during the course of his illness, but the countless spiritual gifts he had bestowed upon me during that time were staggering in comparison.

There was one thing Rob said to me when he was still at Rancho which struck me. He had said, “I’ll meet you on the other side for sake.” To which I replied, “Not just yet, Rob, not for either of us. But I absolutely will meet you for that sake at some point.” Eventually, we will share that bottle of sake on the other side. I look forward to it.

Block The Haters

you are meanIt certainly seems to me that people have been extremely edgy these days, and I keep running into them. I know that a far more evolved response to people who spread negative energy is to approach them with compassion, but my sass level has been amped up lately, largely due to the fact that I am deep in contest prep and dealing with a ton of petty frustrations in my life. So at this point I will just hate the haters, until my level of enlightenment enables me to come from a place of neutrality, because it sure isn’t going to happen ten days before a competition!

Here’s a prime example of the weird and random stuff that has been thrown my way. The other day when a dog suddenly jumped on me and scratched my leg, and I went, “owww!”, the owner decided to get all snippy, saying it wasn’t HER fault the dog jumped on me, and when I said to let it go, she KEPT talking to me, getting literally up in my face, screaming, “No, you don’t understand!” I had to walk away from her nastiness.

Thankfully that incident was isolated, but one day every week I deal with the meanest people on the planet. There is a valet where I need to leave my car when I work at one facility, and it is run by four incredibly rude men who never smile, mumble angry things in Spanish under their breath (which I can UNDERSTAND), and get upset when I ask them for a receipt each time. I know they deal with an upper crust clientele which can be very demanding, but I certainly don’t see the point of being unfriendly to everyone who has to go through the valet there. I drive away with such a sense of relief, knowing I will leave that ugliness behind.

Lately I have also been getting negative energy from a few individuals who have decided to take issue with some of my social media posts. I do not tolerate such energy and always automatically block them, and if they are especially nasty or threatening, I will file an official report of abuse. I realize that I am more susceptible to such contentious people because I have built a name for myself and I put myself out there constantly, but it is not fair to blast me when my posts are primarily meant to inspire my fans and followers and entertain friends. The fact that some people go out of their way to be mean and to spread hate is mind-boggling to me. I begin to wonder what kind of karmic load they are carrying to spread so much negativity.

I am trying to hold onto the idea of a force field of positive energy around me, and hope it will somehow protect me from any further incidents before I step onstage. Perhaps this concept will blossom into compassion at some point, but this is definitely something I need to work on.

What is the best way to defuse hostility? It is always best to refrain from reacting to it. Physically walking away, ignoring hateful statements, employing the blocking feature on social media sites, email, and cell phones, smiling at the person who is being difficult can all work in neutralizing the bad energy.

After Bad Comes Good

I have heard my mother and my aunts and uncles share stories about my grandmother, whom they all adored. They have all spoken of her unflagging kindness and compassion, and of her wisdom. One thing she was prone to saying frequently in Japanese was, “Don’t worry, after bad comes good.” For those of you who are curious about this quote in Japanese, here it is: “Shinpai shinai de. Subete umaku iku ne.” This statement can also be translated to English as, “Don’t worry, everything will be all right.”, but everyone in the family insists on “Don’t worry, after bad comes good.” as the unwavering message my grandmother was known for. She truly felt that good things ALWAYS followed bad things.
Buddha Kumamoto
I find this quote from my frail, tiny (4’8″) Japanese grandmother, who incidentally bore FIFTEEN children and lived through countless hardships and poverty before dying of cancer at the age of 63, to be incredibly wise and reassuring. Whenever someone in the family was concerned about a troubling event, my grandmother would utter this statement and smile.

It seems to me that my grandmother’s sense of calm and joy about the world and her ability to enjoy the simplest things despite living without many creature comforts made her more aware than most, and thus more spiritually enlightened. It is probably part of the reason why her journey on this planet did not last very long. Sadly, she passed away before I was born, so I never had a chance to meet this remarkable woman. My mother tells me that I have my grandmother’s eyes, and I can see that when I look at photos of her. Though she was full-blooded Japanese, she had large, round eyes with the telltale Asian skinfold called the epicanthic fold which I also have.

I try to remember that with every challenging or stressful situation, that it too will pass.