Category Relationships

The Gentle Bull

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Okay ladies. Do you want to know how encourage your man to respond in a kind a gentle way when you are upset by something he has done or said? Quit bitching at him! Yes, you heard me right. I am playing devil’s advocate here and defending men who often have to deal with women completely unraveling on them.

A man usually gets utterly confused when a woman launches into a rant against him because he often strives to do things which please her. When she goes on and on with her complaints, the man feels like he has failed, and he feels emasculated. In some men, the confusion turns into anger because they simply don’t know what to do when they are pinned against the emotional ropes by a woman. A man’s brain doesn’t switch easily to the ebb and flow of a woman’s emotions, so he is often doomed to upset or disappoint a woman without ever intending to do so.

In order to have true and open communication which is constructive, both the man and the woman need to have the opportunity to voice concerns without fear of being verbally attacked by the other person. This type of communication requires effort by each person, or else it just won’t flow. However, with a little effort by each partner, issues which would ordinarily cause great conflict can be relatively pleasant and agreeable. The most important thing to remember in any relationship conflict is that the other person is not the enemy, but a partner with whom you have agreed to share your time, goals, and dreams with.

The Delicate Flower and the Bull Who Tramples On It

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I have to apologize in advance if this post sounds like a man-bashing. However, it is common for women to lament that men don’t take the time to just listen to them, and to have empathy when they are emotional.

I have definitely found myself in situations in which I feel like I need to apologize for being emotional or sensitive. I am never allowed to be upset, and I have to swallow everything upsetting thing like a bitter pill. I know that men and women speak different languages, but I will never understand why it is a problem if I happen to quietly voice a concern over an event which made me feel like a boot scraper at the front door. When my feelings are ignored, I can quickly progress from nice and sweet to angry.

Women don’t expect men to agree with them. They expect men to understand and empathize when they feel slighted by an incident. Men don’t want to feel emasculated either, so women should also take heed and pay attention to how they approach men after such an incident. In defense of women everywhere, though, many men tune out the instant a woman says, “What you did/said really hurt me”, and may even turn into ugly, mean bulls who trample over the woman’s emotions. Suddenly, only the man’s perspective matters, and he is never culpable, while the woman is made to feel like a whiny bitch, even if she is calm, gentle, and kind in her approach. It’s like a switch flips in a man’s brain, and a furious instinct to lash out asserts itself. When this happens, no resolution can be found.

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Before you men begin to think that this is about the man or the woman winning an argument, I will tell you that your perspective is really skewed. It isn’t about winning, and it isn’t about you versus the woman. That kind of viewpoint is confrontational, counterproductive, and puts you in a position in which the blinders are still on, and you can’t see anything but your own opinion. Instead of pounding on your chest and tuning out a woman who is in pain, perhaps you could listen to what she is saying and work with her. I can almost guarantee that an agreeable and open approach will yield much better results than resisting everything the woman says to you!

Not Holding My Breath For You!

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unreliable people

When I was younger, I would go out of my way to accommodate other people’s requests, and always believed them when they promised to follow up with me. Then, when no follow up call came, I would always blame myself, as if I had any control over another human being. Nowadays, I automatically assume that nothing is set in stone until the appointment is booked and the person shows up, the deposit is paid (if a business transaction is to take place), the contract is signed, etc. I certainly have learned my lesson over the years and would rather have no expectations and then be pleasantly surprised when someone with integrity whose word is reliable comes through.

The no-expectations attitude which I have adopted has definitely helped me deal with people in the fitness and entertainment industries, both of which seem to attract some of the flakiest people on the planet. The more grandiose the ideas and promises made by someone I am just meeting for the first time, the more I suspect that their words are simply verbal diarrhea, so I just tune them out.

I now de-prioritize all individuals who fail to call when they are supposed to, who fail to respond to reasonable and friendly follow-up requests, or who offer some bullshit excuse about how things are still “in the works” and how my patience would be appreciated. I have done business with too many people who are complete flakes, and I am DONE. It isn’t MY job to follow up with them, and I am sick of the aggravation. My message to all of them is to put on grown-up pants and show some respect and some initiative!

In keeping with having to deal with unreliable and unprofessional people, I refuse to suggest ideas or offer information without a written contract in place. I also will not provide a service unless it is paid for at the time of services rendered. And no, I do not accept checks.

What frustrates me is that I still find myself wondering what it is that I did to cause this person to ignore me, yet I know how unhealthy such notions are. I can’t take it personally. The best thing to do is to brush the negative experience aside and move on.

My Take On Weddings

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The wedding industry is an extremely profitable one, and for good reason. Everyone who has ever fantasized about walking down the aisle has constructed an image of that special day, and women are especially prone to envisioning all the details, from the perfect gown, to the perfect venue, flowers, cake, etc.

I have a problem with elaborate weddings because the expenditure of money is usually so significant that soon-to-be-married couples often risk drowning in debt as a result of that desire to make everything perfect. I am not saying that weddings shouldn’t occur, but I also don’t think it makes sense to spend a ridiculous amount of money on them either. Some couples are sensible about their wedding plans and opt for ceremony, reception and honeymoon plans which won’t break the bank. I have even heard of some couples who have eloped and taken the money that might have been spent on a big wedding and used it as a down payment on a home, which makes FAR more sense to me.

Another red flag which I have noticed among some couples is when couples who haven’t worked out their relationship issues turn to a wedding as a miracle cure for all the strife which they are experiencing. I firmly believe that a couple should regard a wedding as a true celebration of what they have achieved together, instead of as a band-aid or a means of appeasing relatives who are pressuring them to wed. If communication is poor and multiple issues threaten the fabric of a relationship, the stress of planning a wedding will only fan the flames of discord. wedding rings

Before you assume that I am anti-wedding, let me be clear and reveal that I was married for four years once and loved being married. The only problem was that my husband and I were not the best match for each other. I am on the fence about the idea of remarrying and don’t feel that it is necessary for me to do so. What IS important to me is establishing a great relationship and great communication, regardless of whether a marriage license binds me to a man.

Call Her Beautiful

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I am willing to bet that the vast majority of women out there respond positively when a significant other, spouse, or someone she simply digs tells her she is beautiful or even uses the word “beautiful” as a nickname. That word can completely transform a woman, especially if she is experiencing a rough day. If that doesn’t work, you could always follow the advice in the meme below!

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Falling Off The Radar

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I will never understand how and why some people will expend a great deal of energy discussing potential projects or other opportunities, displaying enthusiasm and expressing a strong desire to get started right away, only to completely drop off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again. Instead of mincing words here, I will come right out and say that I detest such people and think they are cowards, liars and bullshitters. Once someone tries to bait me with incredible promises and then disappears with no explanation or apology, I cross that person off my list. Seriously, what is WRONG with people these days? Is the concept of honoring one’s own word and upholding a certain amount of integrity dying in this fickle society?

It is impossible to endure countless lures with no follow-through without developing a biting cynicism. I have heard some individuals remark that flaky behavior is confined to major metropolitan cities like Los Angeles, but I beg to differ. For one thing, I have dealt with people all over the country, ranging from small towns to large metropolitan areas, who have displayed what I call “empty promise behavior”. Secondly, I was born and raised in Los Angeles, and have never been the type of person to make a promise I cannot keep. Accordingly, the majority of my friends who are also native Californians are blessed with complete integrity and do not make false or empty promises.

Please don’t be one of those people who talks big and can’t deliver on ANY promises made. It’s tacky and it makes you look like a complete douche.

Bullshit spray

Natural Libido Enhancers

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Originally published on mensphysique.com on Wednesday, 05 June 2013

http://www.rxmuscle.com/blogs/the-lab-supplement-school/8399-natural-libido-enhancers.html
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Testosterone is responsible not only for optimal muscle mass, it is also vital for sexual drive and function. For those of you who compete, chances are that you are already consuming several of the foods, minerals and herbs which are known to enhance testosterone production, but let’s review them here. If you are having issues with a lagging libido, you might want to add a couple of substances that are not yet in your regimen.

ZINC: This mineral has an essential role in testosterone production, and for this reason EVERY man (barring any medical contraindication) should make sure that he consumes enough zinc to maintain normal levels in the body. The most readily absorbed form of zinc is found in animal protein, which is normally consumed in large quantities by people in the bodybuilding and fitness industries. Another well known source of zinc is oysters, but these are not usually consumed on a regular basis. You may wish to supplement your animal protein intake with zinc tablets or capsules to ensure optimal levels of zinc.

L-ARGININE: This amino acid is also referred to as Nature’s Viagra due to its support of nitric oxide release during sexual arousal. Perhaps you may have noticed a sexual surge when pumping iron at the gym and pounding your pre-workout matrix. You can thank l-arginine for that surge since it maximizes nitric oxide release and thus blood vessel dilation EVERYWHERE in the body. That translates to firmer erections in the bedroom. Great food sources of l-arginine include red meat, poultry, salmon, garlic, oatmeal, nuts, beans and dairy products.

MACA: This herb has been used for centuries to increase sex drive and function.

HORNY GOAT WEED: This potent herb is quite effective at increasing libido with little to no side effects.

MUIRA PAUMA: Another herb known for enhancing the libido.

GINSENG: Enhances libido.

YOHIMBINE HCL: I am not a huge fan of yohimbine due to its side effects (gastrointestinal upset, sudden blood pressure drops, nausea), but it can be effective in increasing blood flow to the genitals. Make sure to look for the pharmaceutical grade product if you choose to use this substance. Take 5 to 10 milligrams three times daily.

TRIBULUS: This is also known as devil’s Weed, and has been used for many years as a natural libido booster. Tribulus contains saponins which stimulate the production of luteinizing hormone in the pituitary gland, thus supporting the body’s production of testosterone. However, the general consensus is that tribulus does not have an appreciable effect on boosting testosterone levels, but it still has a positive effect on libido.

ASPARAGUS: Many of you are aware of the diuretic effect of this vegetable, but asparagus is also a rich source of vitamin E, which enhances sex hormone production. Asparagus also triggers production of histamine which facilities orgasm.

AVOCADOS: This fruit is not only rich in healthy fats, it is also loaded with folic acid, vitamin B6 and potassium, all of which support optimal androgen production.

BANANAS: Bananas are rich in bromelain which enhances libido and may help with erectile dysfunction.

CELERY: This vegetable increases androstenone and androstenol in a man’s sweat and also increases the patency (decreases risk of clogging) in the arteries.

CHOCOLATE: I had to include this despite the fact that it is not the most contest friendly substance. Chocolate is rich in arginine, which increases nitric oxide levels in the body and supports strong erections. It also supports feelings of sexual desire by supporting dopamine secretion via a substance called phenylethylamine.

Sexy Couple Shot By George Kontaxis

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Ian and Me GK

This is Ian Lauer and me in Malibu from a couple of years ago, shot by the amazing George Kontaxis. I think you can tell that Ian and I were very much a couple then, but we are now just very good friends. He remains one of the most important and special people in my life and I am blessed to know him.

How To Stay Lean During The Holidays

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It seems that I will continue to uphold my yearly tradition of making my incredible (and incredibly UNclean) fudge for the holidays, as well as my signature turkey stuffing. Since the holidays come only once a year, it seems reasonable to indulge a bit, right? Well, if you’re a fitness fanatic and you have competitions coming up like I do, you can’t exactly throw caution to the wind and consume whatever you want. However, you CAN still indulge in small amounts of rich foods which are not considered clean as long as your other foods are healthy and clean. This means that your abs don’t have to hibernate during the holidays!

There are a few tricks to minimize the amount of bad foods which you may be tempted to devour.  You can consume a small amount of lean protein right before you have a carb cheat.  This will slow down digestion so that the carbs aren’t stored as readily.  Another trick is to drink at least eight ounces of water before you indulge in a decadent treat.  This will help to fill you up so you consume less food afterward.  When you are aware that you will be at a function in which tempting foods will be around, make sure your meals beforehand are kept clean and that you you eat every 2-1/2 to 3 hours to ensure that you won’t be ravenous come party time.

A newer tactic which can often work wonders for some people is to practice an intermittent fast the day before in which you consume a small number of calories, say 400-500, then go to town on turkey day, consuming your maintenance calories then. This seems to work better if you ramp up the week before with a series of intermittent fasts in which you consume your food (maintenance calories +10-20% on training days, then drop to -20% of maintenance on rest days) within a 4 to 8 hour window, then fasting the rest of the time. If you do this, crank up your protein intake so that it is at least 1 gram per pound of body weight. I personally love this diet approach and my body responds well to it, plus I can enjoy all the goodies on Thanksgiving without remorse.

There are food choices which are cleaner than others during the holidays. Though common holiday foods are rather calorie dense, here are a few food items which are lower in calories and fat:

  • Roast turkey breast
  • Green beans without butter
  • Mashed potatoes made with whipped butter and Greek yogurt instead of milk and regular butter
  • Pumpkin Pie

I know some of you are assuming that my cats join in with holiday feasts, but I always put them in my bedroom and lock the door. There are several reasons why I keep my felines away from the holiday table:

1. People food can often be hazardous for animals
2. My cats will run underfoot and probably trip people
3. My cats will suddenly forget the rule about not jumping onto tables and will create an unsanitary environment for guests
4. My cats will turn into pesky little beggars
Holiday-treats

This Thanksgiving will be a bit different since I will wait until the Sunday following Thanksgiving to cook a feast. This is in honor of my friends who are competing at the NPC/IFBB Ferrigno Legacy this weekend. Some of you may also be wondering what I am planning on cooking and eating, so here is my Thanksgiving menu:

  •  20 pound turkey
  • my secret stuffing recipe which has lots of goodies in it but is relatively low in fat and calories compared to other exotic stuffing recipes
  • mashed potatoes made with light butter and sour cream
  • green bean casserole
  • my homemade fudge
  • whole cranberry sauce
  • turkey gravy
  • wine
  • store-bought pumpkin pie

Obviously there are some items on my menu that fall outside of my “clean food guidelines”, but since the holidays only come once a year, I have no qualms about it.   This is the time during which we should count our blessings and spend quality time with the people we love without getting anxious about what we are eating.  However, this does not mean you have free license to go nuts on bad foods for the next month!  If you end up indulging in other foods, don’t beat yourself up.  Instead, enjoy the feast and resume healthy eating the next day. 

Happy holidays!

Spontaneity

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Some people fly by the seats of their pants constantly and love navigating through life that way. Ideas like last-minute dinner plans, jaunts to the movie theater, or an unplanned weekend road trip flow through their minds like a constant river stream. I think that’s fine if you have enough free time to randomly throw new things into the mix, but I am the exact opposite. It’s not that I am incapable of being spontaneous, but with the packed schedule I have, I can’t just drop everything and do something unplanned at the last minute.

Here’s the extent of my spontaneity. If, by some odd and rare chance, I have a day or weekend which is not jam-packed, and someone contacts me to see if I can get together for a movie, dinner or other outing, I still need at least a day’s notice so that I can schedule my gym time and make sure that any random chores or errands I might have been planning to do get moved to another time or day. If it’s a weekend road trip or other getaway, I will never be available on a moment’s notice. I simply never have more than one free day on a weekend. As a matter of fact, I cannot fathom the idea of having an entire weekend free and wide open unless I move heaven and earth to make such a thing occur!

I can’t help but feel that there are two strong correlations at work when it comes to living spontaneously. First off, I have noticed that my friends who are very spontaneous on a consistent basis have creative careers and VERY flexible schedules which give them the freedom to move things around. In many cases they can work from home or, in some cases, completely take off from work. The other thing that I have noticed is that my more spontaneous friends tend to have attention deficit disorder, and are accustomed to bouncing around mentally. Both of these correlations are beginning to make me think that creative brilliance and attention deficit disorder go hand in hand.

Difficulties arise when a spontaneous spirit becomes shackled by a rigid schedule. Even the most spontaneous person, provided that person is responsible, will not be able to let loose and do things at the last minute if he or she has a crazy work schedule. It’s quite possible that my spontaneous energy got squashed many years ago when I began medical school, but I am more inclined to believe that I have always been more organized and regimented, and have sought the structure which defines my daily life. We create the environments in which we live.

Another thing I have noticed personally is that when I do something spontaneous, there are certain harsh critics in my life who will always question my decisions and make me feel as if I have made a terrible mistake by allowing myself to get a small taste of personal freedom. It has been a challenge to stand strong and support my beliefs when I make a decision which seems to be spontaneous or random to these critics. After all, I rarely change the rhythm of my life, and I think such a habit is in some respect a bit damaging to my spirit. My sense of wonder and fun often gets squashed by all of my career responsibilities and other obligations which keep me locked into a certain predictability.

Probably the most spontaneous thing I have done this year is to decide to see a movie by myself, and it was one of the most enjoyable days of the year. I had made a snap decision on a Saturday around noon to see a film I very much wanted to see which had just been released (“Grand Budapest Hotel”). I checked showtimes, finished my workout, went home to shower and change, then two hours later, was sitting in a movie theater by myself. Instead of waiting to schedule the activity into my busy schedule, I had just said, “screw it” and reworked my schedule to accommodate a fun two hour date with myself.

In conclusion, I believe that a certain amount of spontaneity, especially when added to a particularly demanding schedule, is healthy. I also think the “birds of a feather” concept applies when it comes to degrees of spontaneity. Spontaneous people should hang out with each other, while individuals who are more regimented would be better off scheduling outings with each other. Otherwise, a spontaneous person could get extremely frustrated, while the more rigid person would only become anxious with the last minute ideas a spontaneous person always seems to present.