A Devastating Spell

It’s a bizarre and devastating experience to be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. What is frightening is that by the time you realize that you are in a relationship with one, you are wrapped around their little finger, ensnared, and under their complete control. Narcissists know exactly how to invade your sense of self. They will lie to you, trick you and everyone else into believing they can do no wrong, then once you are solidly in their spell, no amount of struggling will set you free. It is only when you are completely drained and discarded by the narcissist that you can be freed. The narcissist always calls the shots.

Narcissists are abusive, manipulative, controlling, yet they will convince you into upholding the illusion they have created for themselves and those around them that they are great people. The rest of the world is tricked into believing that the narcissist is so wonderful, and that you must be nuts for not sharing that opinion. You will feel like you can’t reveal them for what they truly are, because they will threaten and bully you to the point where your fear of them will overwhelm your desire to expose them.

They will take away your power, slowly but surely. I used to refer to one ex as kryptonite, because he truly was that for me. Any time I tried to stand up for myself, I just lacked the strength to do so. What’s crazy is that I wasn’t like that in other relationships either, only with him. He would bully me, toss me aside, then pull me back to him all on his whim, and I would willingly allow him to do that to me repeatedly.

Narcissists lack the emotional equipment to genuinely love, and they are also incapable of feeling empathy. The driving force for narcissists to establish romantic relationships is to gain the attention they so desperately crave, and to have a whipping boy to throw all their angst onto. Having been the whipping boy, I can tell you it is pure torture to be under the rule of a narcissist. And since narcissists never want to play by the rules, some may stubbornly refuse to hold down solid, gainful employment because it is somehow beneath them. Never mind that they can’t make ends meet, their stubborn pride won’t allow them to suck it up and do what’s necessary, especially if there is an empath or codependent who is under their control and willing to rescue them. Narcissists always exclude themselves from the rest of the crowd, believing that they are indeed special and worth more than those around them. This exaggerated sense of self-importance never abates either.

A codependent or empath who is in a relationship with a narcissist strives constantly to obtain the approval of the narcissist. However, nothing is ever good enough for the narcissist, and the codependent is made to feel worthless. Everything is the fault of the codependent, and the narcissist always walks away unscathed.

The following passage which I found online blew me away. It is very descriptive of the attraction between empaths and narcissists:

“Empaths/Highly Sensitive people are hypersensitive to the emotions and energy of other people. They are often natural healers and caretakers, both admirable traits to have. Unfortunately, these traits often lead to being vibrationally attracted to Narcissists. This explains the recent focus on Empaths and Narcissists in a relationship. The Empath/HSP is a natural giver, while the Narcissist is in an infinite state of need. They literally attract one another like magnets.”

When I was in one relationship with a narcissist, I also suffered from adrenal burnout and severe hormonal imbalance. If I had remained in this toxic relationship, I am sure I would have met an early demise. Some researchers have determined that long-term stress causes changes in one’s DNA. Psychological abuse from being in a relationship with a narcissist is also considerable, and once the relationship has ended, the victim can experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) and severe depression.

Narcissists walk through life with armor which functions as their façade or false self. They will present only those behaviors which will earn them attention and praise. The charming person who presents to the outside world and who also shows up right after an episode of bullying is the same person who will insult, invalidate and demean his or her partner every day. The partner learns to blame himself or herself when confronted with the narcissist’s abusive behavior, and will go to great lengths to appease the narcissist. However, once the narcissist has moved into the devaluation phase of the relationship, nothing the partner can do will win the narcissist’s favor. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation in which any anger or frustration demonstrated by the partner will be construed as an attack, while sitting in silent suffering will cause the narcissist to view the partner with complete disdain.

Once the narcissist has moved into the discard phase, the abuser is in full view. He will reveal his complete cruelty and indifference to you as you are kicked to the curb like a dirty rag. All that shows is pure contempt and hatred, and your value drops to zero in the narcissist’s eyes because you are no longer of any use to him.

At that point, the best thing to do is to BLOCK the narcissist from your life and move on. Be thankful that you were finally set free from a hideous cycle of psychological abuse. Love yourself, value who you are, and heal.

Here is my final message to the narcissists who tricked me into being with them.

One day you will kick yourself for not recognizing what you had when you had it. I no longer care if you suffer, and know that it was never my responsibility to rescue you financially or emotionally, despite the fact that I did it for years. You constantly told me that I wasn’t what you wanted, and were so intent on destroying anything good, anything viable, anything that diverted even the slightest bit of attention away from you. I was never allowed to show my feelings, positive or negative. I wasn’t allowed to be affectionate, or tell you how much I loved you. I learned to expect you to reject every spontaneous hug, caress or kiss from me. Stupid me for not seeing that you didn’t appreciate ANYTHING I did.

You taught my heart that opening up was somehow naughty, something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. You would get angry at me for the stupidest things, and you took me to Crazytown because that’s where you lived. I was never good enough, pretty enough, just never enough in your eyes. You treated me like the enemy because I now see that you were MY enemy. I could never do right by you.

The shackles are gone. I am free. Thank you.

The Princess Bride

princess-bride

A couple of weeks ago, I watched “The Princess Bride” for something like the 20th time since its release in 1987. It remains one of my all-time favorite films. Starring Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, and Robin Wright, and produced and directed by Rob Reiner, this fairy tale is filled with adventure, swordplay, castles, princes, pirates, and a love story to rival all others.

Here is the synopsis of the film which is posted on Fandango:

“Based on William Goldman’s novel of the same name, The Princess Bride is staged as a book read by grandfather (Peter Falk) to his ill grandson (Fred Savage). Falk’s character assures a romance-weary Savage that the book has much more to deliver than a simpering love story, including but not limited to fencing, fighting, torture, death, true love, giants, and pirates. Indeed, The Princess Bride offers a tongue-in-cheek fairy tale depicting stable boy-turned-pirate Westley’s journey to rescue Buttercup (Robin Wright), his true love, away from the evil prince (Chris Sarandon), whom she had agreed to marry five years after learning of what she had believed to be news of Westley’s death. With help from Prince Humperdinck’s disgruntled former employee Miracle Max (Billy Crystal), swordsman Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin), and a very large man named Fezzik (Andre the Giant), the star-crossed lovers are reunited. ~ Tracie Cooper, Rovi”

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."

“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

I was surprised to discover that one of my dear friends had never seen the film, so we watched it together and were immensely entertained by all the clever twists and turns in the plot. It was also wonderful to hear my friend say that he really enjoyed the film and was glad he watched it.

As the film emphasizes, the noblest cause of all is true love.

There’s Still Musical Talent Out There…GREAT Love Song

Don’t go thinking that I am a sappy, hopeless romantic, but I do appreciate a well-written, soulful love song. Amy Wadge and Ed Sheeran penned one of the loveliest songs of all time, and in the new millenium to boot. I’m sharing the official video for the song, as well as the lyrics. Though I find some of the dance moves a bit overtly sexual and somewhat inappropriate for the lyrics which expound a pure love, I also regard the video as pretty romantic since it is filmed in a ballroom reminiscent of the one featured in “Beauty and the Beast”, which remains one of my favorite all-time films.

Ed Sheeran “Thinking Out Loud”

When your legs don’t work like they used to before
And I can’t sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?
And, darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re seventy
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at twenty three
And I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me – I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am
So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are
When my hair’s all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don’t remember my name
When my hands don’t play the strings the same way (mmm)
I know you will still love me the same
‘Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it’s evergreen
And, baby, your smile’s forever in my mind and memory
I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it’s all part of a plan
Well, I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you’ll understand
That, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are (oh ohh)
La la la la la la la la loud
So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

Songwriters: AMY WADGE, ED SHEERAN
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, THE ROYALTY NETWORK INC.