Tag psychology

The Gentle Bull

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Okay ladies. Do you want to know how encourage your man to respond in a kind a gentle way when you are upset by something he has done or said? Quit bitching at him! Yes, you heard me right. I am playing devil’s advocate here and defending men who often have to deal with women completely unraveling on them.

A man usually gets utterly confused when a woman launches into a rant against him because he often strives to do things which please her. When she goes on and on with her complaints, the man feels like he has failed, and he feels emasculated. In some men, the confusion turns into anger because they simply don’t know what to do when they are pinned against the emotional ropes by a woman. A man’s brain doesn’t switch easily to the ebb and flow of a woman’s emotions, so he is often doomed to upset or disappoint a woman without ever intending to do so.

In order to have true and open communication which is constructive, both the man and the woman need to have the opportunity to voice concerns without fear of being verbally attacked by the other person. This type of communication requires effort by each person, or else it just won’t flow. However, with a little effort by each partner, issues which would ordinarily cause great conflict can be relatively pleasant and agreeable. The most important thing to remember in any relationship conflict is that the other person is not the enemy, but a partner with whom you have agreed to share your time, goals, and dreams with.

Running Out Of Steam

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can't think woman and laptop

The frenetic pace at which most of us live these days has us lamenting the fact that it doesn’t seem like there are enough hours in the day to get everything done. It is exceedingly rare for me to get to the end of a day and think, wow, I got everything done that I wanted to get done, because somehow, the crazy pace of each day seems to derail me from checking off everything on my to-do list. Do I have too much on my list? Yes, absolutely. Do I have unreasonable expectations of myself that I will get everything done? Yes. However, I am pretty efficient and organized, and on most days, I take care of all the things which must be done on that particular day.

Here’s where I tend to fall flat on my face. I do a considerable amount of writing for my own blog and for a number of health, wellness, fitness and bodybuilding entities, so I ALWAYS have writing assignments on my plate. Occasionally, a day will open up schedule-wise, in which I don’t have to see patients or clients, and I always foolishly think that because of the so-called open schedule, I will have plenty of time to sit at my computer and write articles and posts. Invariably, some schedule destroyer will knock that idea completely out of the water, leaving me only a sliver of time in the late evening to write. The problem with late evening for me is that I have very little energy to write, and the creative thoughts fail to flow through my weary brain. I stare at my computer screen, hoping for some inspiration to hit me, but instead of being blessed with one great idea after another, I can feel the gears in my mind moving more slowly. Every once in a while, an idea might come to me, but as I begin to write on the topic, my interest wanes and I end up deleting the entry. Clearly I am NOT a night owl!

The Delicate Flower and the Bull Who Tramples On It

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I have to apologize in advance if this post sounds like a man-bashing. However, it is common for women to lament that men don’t take the time to just listen to them, and to have empathy when they are emotional.

I have definitely found myself in situations in which I feel like I need to apologize for being emotional or sensitive. I am never allowed to be upset, and I have to swallow everything upsetting thing like a bitter pill. I know that men and women speak different languages, but I will never understand why it is a problem if I happen to quietly voice a concern over an event which made me feel like a boot scraper at the front door. When my feelings are ignored, I can quickly progress from nice and sweet to angry.

Women don’t expect men to agree with them. They expect men to understand and empathize when they feel slighted by an incident. Men don’t want to feel emasculated either, so women should also take heed and pay attention to how they approach men after such an incident. In defense of women everywhere, though, many men tune out the instant a woman says, “What you did/said really hurt me”, and may even turn into ugly, mean bulls who trample over the woman’s emotions. Suddenly, only the man’s perspective matters, and he is never culpable, while the woman is made to feel like a whiny bitch, even if she is calm, gentle, and kind in her approach. It’s like a switch flips in a man’s brain, and a furious instinct to lash out asserts itself. When this happens, no resolution can be found.

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Before you men begin to think that this is about the man or the woman winning an argument, I will tell you that your perspective is really skewed. It isn’t about winning, and it isn’t about you versus the woman. That kind of viewpoint is confrontational, counterproductive, and puts you in a position in which the blinders are still on, and you can’t see anything but your own opinion. Instead of pounding on your chest and tuning out a woman who is in pain, perhaps you could listen to what she is saying and work with her. I can almost guarantee that an agreeable and open approach will yield much better results than resisting everything the woman says to you!

Waist Training

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Binding undergarments have played an essential role for women throughout the centuries, molding the ideal female form while also serving as restrictive torture devices. Even as recently as the mid-1960’s, women were obligated to squeeze their bodies into corsets, girdles and other binding devices. Before the advent of the free 1970’s era caused the population to reject constricting undergarments, including the standard brassiere, it was common to see women wear girdles and corsets in an effort to mold the female shape into the ideal hourglass. My mother felt pressure to wear girdles to squeeze her already tiny little body into an even more compact package, molding a 20 inch waist that made men around her swoon.

Bu by the time I was born, my mother gave up the notion of manipulating her form in such torturous ways and put her girdles in cold storage. Whenever I would see them in the bottom drawer in her dresser, I would marvel at how anyone would want to wear something so uncomfortable. By the time I reached my 20’s, I developed a strange aversion to tight waistbands and as a result wore dresses most of the time. When yoga pants became popular in the 90’s, I was thrilled because they incorporated a low rise and comfortable fabrics.

Then I began competing in 2009 and realized very quickly how much my body would be scrutinized as I hit the contest circuit. Because I have a naturally nipped in waistline, I never considered that it might appear wider onstage than it actually was, but with my somewhat narrow hips, I had to consider ratios and angles. By the middle of 2011 I began using corsets and waist trimmer belts to whittle down my waist. My significant other at the time made fun of me, telling me he thought it was pretty ridiculous that I was torturing myself with constricting undergarments. I had to get over my dislike of tight material around my waist. The one thing that kept me going was my desire to attain IFBB Pro status, so I quickly acclimated to the habit of wearing them. The other amusing twist is the significant other I mentioned began to wear them for his contest prep, and went down from a 33 inch waist to a 29 inch waist, and won his IFBB Pro Card with that waist measurement.
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People frequently ask me if corsets and binders work. The answer is a resounding YES, THEY DO. When I was consistent about wearing them, I went from a 24 or 25 inch waist to 23 inches, and had actually pared down to a 22-1/2 inch waist right before I won my IFBB Pro Card in 2013. I continued waist training through the middle of 2014, but have spent the years since then without practicing rigorous waist training. The main reason why I initially abandoned waist training was because I was dealing with a higher body temperature, thanks to menopause, which made waist trimmers even more torturous than they normally were. Another good reason for abandoning waist trimmers was the fact that I was not prepping for any contests. I may throw on a corset on a rare occasion for several days to compress my midsection for a photo shoot, but other than that, my waistline is unrestrained by rigid waist trimmers.

When I wore corsets daily, I dealt with the metal boning poking out as the corsets would wear out, and would glue them back into their channels, so I know all too well the sensation of metal poking into my underboob, my ribcage or my hip bone when the corsets began wearing out. I would get digestive upset, abdominal pain, and at times had difficulty breathing. During one stretch of time when I was wearing latex corsets, I developed painful lesions all over my back from the yeast overgrowth which resulted from the long hours of wear and the constant sweating. It took me over a year for my skin to heal from all those lesions, and I have a couple of permanent scars to mark my determination to sculpt a waistline that would win a Pro Card.

Now I wear corsets from time to time if I feel the need to squeeze out extra water from my midsection, but I will probably never return to the days of wearing corsets for many hours, driving to work in pain because a metal boning was jabbing me in the rib, sweating profusely under nice clothing, and dealing with skin around my midsection which was constantly macerated, lighter in pigment, and showing signs of skin breakdown.

I know many of you want to slim down the midsection, but please be careful when you wear corsets! It isn’t worth ruining your skin and compressing organs to wear these torture devices for extended periods of time. Give your skin and your torso a rest in between the sessions during which you are training your waist. I recommend wearing corsets for no more than a 4 hour stretch.

You can find some very pretty corsets online, but I have a couple of favorites, one of which can be found on this link:

http://www.feelfoxy.com/latex-neon-girdle/

And in case you men are feeling a bit neglected here, trust me, there are garments designed especially to sculpt the male midsection.

https://www.dickssportinggoods.com/p/mcdavid-waist-trimmer-16mcvusfwsttrmmrxspm/16mcvusfwsttrmmrxspm

Be prepared for these things to fit VERY snugly! However, make sure you can breathe. If you feel lightheaded while wearing a corset, remove it immediately.

Inappropriate Things People Do

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There are times when I am completely flabbergasted by the things people do which clearly overstep the bounds of professionalism and decency. It seems like more and more individuals seem to have lost their social filters, perhaps because they are so fed up with all the stress which modern society flings at them. People seem more desperate these days, like they are grasping for meaning in their lives. What is odd is that my observation of human behavior in general these days has been a collection of unpredictable, risky, peculiar, and sometimes just plain psychotic behavior.

Here are my top three out of the latest collection of gripes against people who have done and said inappropriate things:

1. The man with whom I had a business interaction who decided that there was no problem taking my contact information which was submitted for business purposes and sending me an email asking me out! MY GOD. I berated him for his utter lack of professionalism and for being so presumptuous. I am NOT on the market, and at no time did I make any indication that I was, nor did I send any sort of flirtatious vibe. Though he apologized, he went on an on about how he had perceived a connection, and about how he should have asked me out in person. To the man who stepped over the line: You are delusional. There was NO CONNECTION, but I guess in your desperate mind, you wanted to believe there was one so you made it up in your messed up head. Just because a woman is nice and engages in conversation does NOT mean that she is interested in you! Also, mister, if you had asked me out in person, I would have openly scolded you right in front of your co-workers, so that would have been a horrible idea as well. My suggestion is for you to understand how unprofessional you are!

2. The disgusting people who repeatedly post disgusting porn images on my Facebook fan page. What sucks is that I cannot block them since they are doing it on my fan page. I am shocked that Facebook fails to protect the fan pages of users, allowing scumbags to post whatever they want. This is harassment and abuse, and it should be a reportable offense! There was only one time I was able to find one of the people when I went to my main personal page, and when I did, I blocked that jerk immediately.

1. The guy who boldly wrote to me via my landing page, trying to persuade me to open the lines of communication with him. I am not stupid, and I my “oh shit, this guy is hitting on me” radar went off. I wrote to him and asked if he was inquiring about training or nutrition programs, or if he was trying to establish a “social connection” as I put it. I also made it clear that if it was the latter, I was NOT interested. He had the gall to send me a photo of himself, stating that I should see what he looked like! Sorry buddy, the answer is still and always a big, fat NO! As a matter of fact, the fact that he was stubborn enough to send a photo of himself (thank goodness he was fully clothed in it!) angered me. When I say I am not interested, nothing can change my mind. So let it go already!

To Compete, Or Not Compete…That Is The Question

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The experience of being onstage at an NPC or IFBB bodybuilding contest is unique and exhilarating, and I miss it. What I don’t miss, though, is the maddening prep which precedes the event, and the constant self-scrutiny which always surfaces during prep. I remember when I couldn’t wait to step onstage again, and would always make sure that I had a contest lined up to prep for, but my priorities have shifted dramatically over the past year. One thing I grew tired of with prepping for contest after contest is that I had to be so disciplined all the time, and was unable to ever let loose and have fun for fear of messing up my prep. A few of my closest friends even remarked that I no longer knew how to have fun, and they were absolutely right. Though I understand that the sacrifice is essential for success onstage, I don’t want to live in a constant state of physical and spiritual deprivation. Life is short, and I certainly don’t want to look at my life and think, look at all that fun stuff I missed!

last Fall, I visited Hungary, Sydney, and Bali, and quickly realized during these trips that despite all my efforts to maintain clean eating and regular exercise, there was no way that I would be able to hold onto a goal of competing once I returned home. I had been struggling with significant metabolic issues, and though I ate relatively clean during my travels, I didn’t follow the seven daily meal regimen I had been accustomed to. Here’s another shocker: I had wine while in Hungary because that country is known for its wine, and I am a wine lover. I wasn’t about to deprive myself because of some orthorexic thought process which in previous years would have had me convinced that the fermented libation was evil. I also had little to no access to weight equipment, and though I made every effort to use exercise equipment whenever it was available to me, I didn’t follow the six-day workout regimen which I follow when at home. Was that a bad thing? I think not. I was able to see parts of the world which I had always wanted to see, and I had an amazing time. Thank goodness I didn’t obsess over what I was supposed to do and complain about the lack of resources in these countries.

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Though I always want to win, I am not going to have a nervous breakdown over the fact that my placings as a Pro have been underwhelming. I don’t feel pressured to step onstage, and I honestly wouldn’t have a problem with retiring completely from competing if that is what I decide to do. Yet I still get that question, “When’s your next show?” One person (NOT a competitor) went so far as to say, “Hey girl, you need to step up your game!”, which I thought was extremely rude and presumptuous. I am tired of trying to balance a very busy schedule with two-a-day cardio sessions and double training. At the peak of my contest prep, I was training FIVE HOURS daily, six to seven days per week. Every part of my body hurt. I did plyometrics with a foot strain, and trained nonstop with hip bursitis, sciatica, a rotator cuff tear, tennis elbow, carpal tunnel, and a wicked skin reaction to the latex corsets which I would wear. I have been through the paces and have paid my dues. I AM good enough, I just choose to focus my efforts on showing off my brain now. So please don’t tell me that I need to keep running in the race when I already won.

In case you are wondering if working towards a personal best and finally winning my Pro Card was worth all the sacrifice, I can say without hesitation that it absolutely was worth it. Would I do it again? Absolutely. But I will no longer sacrifice balance in my life for the sake of getting to the next level. I have come to terms with the fact that I won’t ever qualify for Olympia, and to be honest, I wouldn’t want that pressure anyway. Life is good, and I have settled into a really nice groove.

Some very well-meaning people in the industry have warned me that the competition in the Pro ranks is getting even stiffer, and I have seen proof of that with my own eyes. Let me be very clear: I am NOT going to get myself all worked up and feel self-conscious because other Pros have raised the stakes. I am quite content to avoid the stage if need be. To be honest, the vast majority of IFBB Pros don’t even compete, so I feel no remorse over my casual attitude towards competing in future events.

Life is about balance, and the way I choose to maintain balance now is by working on my careers, passions and talents fully, without being distracted by notions of returning to the stage. Yes, I love the bodybuilding stage. But I also love my life and the freedom which I reclaimed after shifting my priorities.

When You Need To Get Away

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I am the kind of person who burns the candle at both ends, not necessarily because I like to constantly feel like I am being run ragged, but because I always have an insanely busy schedule which has me switching gears constantly throughout each day. My usual response to the question, “What did you do last weekend?” is that I worked. I am ALWAYS working on something, and there is always something to do in my hectic life.

There is a bit which comic John Mulaney performs which captures the feeling which I feel whenever I get the rare chance to actually relax on a weekend. Here’s his bit:

Kids always want to do stuff, kids get angry. They go, “awww, we didn’t do anything all day!”
You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. It’s like, “What did you do this weekend?” Ï, uh, (big smile across one’s face) I did nothing. I did nothing at all! Did we do anything? No, we didn’t do anything!”

I am definitely feeling the urge to get away so I can get a break from the constant movement which defines my daily life. I firmly believe that everyone should take vacations and go on weekend getaways every now and then to recharge the spirit and relax the body and mind. Though I won’t be able to take any big trips this year, I know that a weekend getaway needs to occur soon so that I can preserve my sanity! The telltale signs of burnout are showing, such as lack of concentration, irritability, and fatigue. The nice thing about living in southern California is that there are so many options available for weekend getaways, so I will make sure to plan something very soon.

Not Holding My Breath For You!

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unreliable people

When I was younger, I would go out of my way to accommodate other people’s requests, and always believed them when they promised to follow up with me. Then, when no follow up call came, I would always blame myself, as if I had any control over another human being. Nowadays, I automatically assume that nothing is set in stone until the appointment is booked and the person shows up, the deposit is paid (if a business transaction is to take place), the contract is signed, etc. I certainly have learned my lesson over the years and would rather have no expectations and then be pleasantly surprised when someone with integrity whose word is reliable comes through.

The no-expectations attitude which I have adopted has definitely helped me deal with people in the fitness and entertainment industries, both of which seem to attract some of the flakiest people on the planet. The more grandiose the ideas and promises made by someone I am just meeting for the first time, the more I suspect that their words are simply verbal diarrhea, so I just tune them out.

I now de-prioritize all individuals who fail to call when they are supposed to, who fail to respond to reasonable and friendly follow-up requests, or who offer some bullshit excuse about how things are still “in the works” and how my patience would be appreciated. I have done business with too many people who are complete flakes, and I am DONE. It isn’t MY job to follow up with them, and I am sick of the aggravation. My message to all of them is to put on grown-up pants and show some respect and some initiative!

In keeping with having to deal with unreliable and unprofessional people, I refuse to suggest ideas or offer information without a written contract in place. I also will not provide a service unless it is paid for at the time of services rendered. And no, I do not accept checks.

What frustrates me is that I still find myself wondering what it is that I did to cause this person to ignore me, yet I know how unhealthy such notions are. I can’t take it personally. The best thing to do is to brush the negative experience aside and move on.

IFBB Pro Status And What It Means For You

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IFBBpro_logo

As an IFBB Pro I can definitely say that it is pretty wonderful to have accomplished such a goal. IFBB Pro status is highly respected and an incredible honor. However, many individuals who are enchanted by the idea of chasing after Pro Status in the bodybuilding world are under the erroneous impression that their lives will change dramatically upon winning a Pro card. If you think that once you get your Pro Card, all your problems will melt away and people will be beating down your door simply because of your new, shiny status, think again. The majority of new IFBB Pros still have to hustle to get sponsorships lined up, and they still have to figure out how finance upcoming competitions. With the slump in print magazine readership it has become more difficult than ever to secure a cover or a feature article, even as a Pro.

It is far more important to showcase your particular talents and strengths and build your career and your brand well BEFORE even attaining Pro status. I planted the seeds for a true career in fitness well before I got my Pro Card (it began with me getting my Bachelor’s Degree in Exercise Science back in 1992), and competing aided in my efforts to increase branding and exposure. Though I was more “on the map” after going Pro, I worked harder than ever since then to prove my worth in a very competitive and saturated industry. So for those of you who hunger for that Pro card, don’t forget about what you are doing right now. The path you are walking in that race for the Pro card is your foundation for a great future in fitness and bodybuilding. Don’t risk messing up that foundation by forgetting about all the details which will get you to the Pro ranks.

One final note: I am aware of a large number of people who have jumped ship and joined other federations in their quest for Pro status. While some have made the switch in a diplomatic way, others have been so dazzled by the Pro status prize that they opted for an easier route. If switching federations is a better fit for you, then fine. But if you just want a Pro title so badly that this is the ONLY reason for switching, you might shift your focus on building your brand instead and hang up your competition hat. Remember, competing should be FUN. When you stop enjoying it, you really should retire from the stage.

Women Going Commando

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I bet if I asked you to name some celebrities who have stepped out into the public arena with unencumbered genitalia, you could probably name several quite easily. Need a head start? How about Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Gwyneth Paltrow, Christina Aguilera, Kesha, and Jennifer Lopez? These ladies have made it downright fashionable to go commando.

But did you know that you can actually help prevent infections down yonder simply by skipping the skivvies? The mechanical friction of underwear can really irritate an already irritated nether region. Wearing a snug layer of fabric over an area which has a lot of moisture causes more moisture to collect, creating a perfect environment for yeast to proliferate. So if you have a tendency to develop frequent yeast infections, you might want to consider going panty-less. If it seems brazen for you to ditch the drawers during the day, try it at night when you go to sleep.

There are fashion-related benefits of nixing the knickers as well. Fans of the underwear-free lifestyle love the fact that there is no longer a concern over visible panty lines (VPL) or wedgies. Another fashion-related benefit is that you’ll never have to worry if dark undies are showing through light colored fabric. However, you should keep in mind that the occasional discharge which is normal for women may transfer onto your clothing, so if you are planning to wear something fancy which is hard to clean, you might want to wear undies with that outfit.

I have to admit that I still have a problem with the concept of going commando during the day. However, I have had to go commando during some photo shoots in which I was modeling clothing items which were quite unforgiving with VPL’s. It isn’t my style to go about town without bloomers, but I don’t take issue if others do it. I feel a bit differently about going sans undies at night, even though I know it is silly to feel hidden and safe simply because the sun has set. This doesn’t mean I go commando at night either, I just feel less skeeved out by the concept.

There are other benefits to losing the briefs, including never having to worry if you have clean underwear to wear, and a more liberated feeling which can boost one’s sexual confidence. No one ever has to know that you have one less layer between you and the world.