Tag intimacy

Sex After 40

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By: Dr. Stacey Naito – Physician and IFBB Pro

The Shifting Tide

Those of you about to turn the corner and enter the 40 and over zone may be concerned about the impact that getting older will have on your sex life. You may have questions about whether you must resign yourself to becoming a dried-up old lady, with no fun to be had in the bedroom. Thankfully, the reality is that you can have more fulfilling and enjoyable sex than you had in your 20’s or 30’s.

What’s more, society has gotten wind of the idea that people want to live completely fulfilled lives into their advanced years. It’s true that 40 has become the new 20, and the concept is supported by empowered celebrities like J. Lo proclaiming their eternal youth and sexual vitality without shame. So instead of allowing the aging process to shut you down, it’s time to look forward to a new and more sexually fulfilling chapter in your life.

Why Getting Older Is Great For Your Sex Life

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t trade the knowledge and life experience I obtained over my 52 years on the planet to return to my 20’s, because aging has positively impacted every aspect of my life, including what happens behind closed doors. With age comes acceptance of who we are, body flaws and all. Let’s face it, we accumulate stretch marks, cellulite, scars, etc. over time, all of which could send us into a meltdown if we stressed out about them. We have become more comfortable with who we are, which translates to greater body confidence. That body confidence works to our advantage in the bedroom, because we no longer feel uneasy or ashamed of how we look sans clothing. When we are comfortable naked, we can finally relax and enjoy intimate encounters to the fullest.

A woman in her 40’s or 50’s is less likely to take desperate measures to entice her man, such as dressing up in sexy but uncomfortable lingerie, or wearing a pair of high heels guaranteed to aggravate her plantar fasciitis or her bad back. In contrast, it seems there are plenty of women in younger age brackets who follow ridiculous wardrobe guidelines to garner the attention of potential sex partners or followers on social media channels. A woman in her 40’s of beyond doesn’t have the inclination to make a fool out of herself to guarantee a romp in the bedroom. She is older, wiser, and doesn’t have time for such nonsense. She doesn’t feel like she needs to try so hard to win her partner’s favor. Her attitude tends to be more along the lines of, “This is what I got, take it or leave it.” Besides, I am willing to bet that such an attitude is far sexier to a man these days. In addition, most men tend to be more excited about the notion of getting you naked, and once you are in the buff, they aren’t scrutinizing your body for flaws.

Older women are also less selfish in bed, and bolder about declaring what they want. They know their bodies, their likes and dislikes. If single, they are more discerning about how they procure partners, so they are less likely to engage in risky activities which expose them to sexually transmitted diseases. For older women in a relationship, there is a greater likelihood that they have been with the same partner for many years, and have developed a level of intimacy which only comes from a longer term committed relationship. A 40-something woman is usually confident enough to turn to her partner and say, “I really like it when you use your hands on me more”, and not fret about whether her partner will accept her sexual preferences.

Chances are that for older women, there are far fewer household distractions which can impede the natural progression of an afternoon of flirting into a full-blown lovemaking session. Such interludes are pretty much impossible if a baby is crying, or young children are demanding attention. Once children have become old enough to be relatively independent, say from pre-teens on, there may be more opportunities to roll around in the sheets with your partner without any interruptions. That kind of freedom can result in more spontaneous sexual encounters and greater satisfaction.

For those past menopause, Aunt Flo’s monthly visit no longer interferes with any amorous advances. Furthermore, there is no concern about getting pregnant and having an unplanned family addition. It’s incredibly liberating.

Sexual Issues and Aging

Though I have painted a rosy picture of the sex life of older women, there are some issues which can interfere with optimal sexual activity. However, this doesn’t mean that all women over 40 will experience sexual dysfunction. As geriatric psychiatrist and Caring.com senior editor Ken Robbins states, “Impaired sexuality and sexual function aren’t normal consequences of aging.” (https://www.caring.com/articles/sexless-after-40).

Women can experience symptoms of perimenopause as early as 35, and the diminishing estrogen and progesterone levels can result in vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal mucosa, both of which can make intercourse painful. If this occurs, make sure to obtain a pelvic exam with a physician who can diagnose and treat the condition. In many cases, a lubricant is sufficient, but hormone replacement therapy may be offered as an option as well.

Some women may experience a decrease in sexual desire as they age, but many others experience a surge in libido from the increased testosterone to estrogen ratio, which increases as estrogen levels continue to diminish. The sexual benefits of testosterone are also enhanced by regular weight training, which naturally boosts testosterone levels in the body. However, the ebb and flow of sexual desire often fluctuates more in women over the age of 40, a result of associated dips and surges in hormonal levels. In addition, the hot flashes, night sweats, and mood swings associated with plummeting progesterone levels don’t exactly make a woman feel amorous.

If you are a woman over 40 who is experiencing symptoms of perimenopause, such as hot flashes, and they are frequent enough to disrupt your daily life, seek the advice of a physician. During your visit, you may ask if the addition of hormonal support supplements like maca or dihydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) would be helpful in decreasing the symptoms you are experiencing.
Most importantly, reduce stress in your daily life, get plenty of rest, and communicate with your partner about any sexual concerns you may have.

Love Scenes

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Depending on the typecasting which exists for an actor, kissing scenes or sex scenes may be a regular part of the mix. This can throw a wrench in relationships, and in some cases, result in their demise.

Performance kissing and lovemaking (or straight up nasty fucking, excuse the expression) has to look convincing and appealing. Many actors have stated that kissing and sex scenes for the film camera, television camera, or stage are rather different from regular intimate interactions. However, the intimate acts which actors must perform are still exactly that, intimate. It’s important for actors to build up some sort of relationship with their fellow actors prior to such scenes. And though the intimate act (be it a kiss, a fondle, or a full-on sexual act) must be performed in front of the entire crew, it’s still a shared moment which would make most people blush and squirm from the awkwardness.

I am also aware of the fact that actors might not be attracted to the other actor (s) in the scene, and that they might not even be the gender to which the actor finds him or herself attracted. Yet, as the saying goes, the show must go on. Then again, they may indeed be physically attracted to their co-stars. I have heard actors admit that they get an enjoyment, a charge, out of performing an intimate scene, because there is an exchange of energy between the actors, and the artistic process is in full force.

In addition, the actors must make the scene believable, which means the passion, the lust, the hunger, must all be generated from the actors’ past experiences. It’s all part of getting into character. So in that sense, the feelings are genuine. The question I have, though, is how fair is it to say that the character is the one in the midst of the embrace, and not the actor who is performing it? To me, that sounds like a cop-out. As someone who has had to endure a partner performing such scenes, I cannot accept the rationale that the actor is not the one engaged in the activity, and that because it’s acting, it’s perfectly acceptable. Call me a prude, call me narrow-minded, but the thought of my man swapping spit, grabbing an actress by the breast or ass, or grinding up against another human in the act of feigned copulation, quite frankly makes me sick to my stomach.

Actors will often offer this rebuttal: “It’s ACTING, it’s my job. It’s what I have to do. It’s my normal.”

It’s just work? Yeah, so is stripping. And porn. And prostitution.

And what about the feelings of insecurity and jealousy which I believe would and should naturally spark in an actor’s mate? If a partner cannot seem to adjust or accept the intimate performances which an actor may be called on to perform, is that partner being unfair? What about how the actor approaches his or her partner with the news that a liplock, a bump and grind, or nudity will be required for a scene? Does an actor have the right to wave the flag of “creative license” in the face of his or her boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse?

I’ll tell you this much: the idea of my man’s lips, tongue, hands, body on another actor bugs me to no end. Such activities are private, intimate interactions, and my strong belief is that they should NOT be shared with anyone else, even during an acting scene which is supposedly an artistic expression and completely make-believe. Pheromones are released during a romantic kiss, and can’t be avoided. And quite frankly, there have been enough stories about actors hooking up off the set because they discovered that there was a sexual or romantic connection, one that might be worth jeopardizing an existing relationship for.

The only other industries which require intimate encounters between humans are stripping, porn and prostitution. Perhaps the actions don’t have the same meaning as they do when the working individual is with his or her real-life love interest, but the activities are still very much occurring. Yes, I know those of you who are actors want to debate this, especially since you only feign sexual encounters. However, no other industry besides the ones I have previously mentioned even approaches the compromising positions and intimate encounters which acting does. For actors to be called upon to kiss, fondle and grind up against others, and to expect their mates to be completely okay with it just seems like the ultimate double standard, and I am not afraid to say that I find the whole thing rather unreasonable.

Here are a few admissions from actors which I found online:

“And when I kiss a woman, in my head, I WANT HER. I committed to whatever I was playing fully. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t professional and respectful, but as a young man making out with a young women (sic), I was thinking, THIS IS AWESOME!”

“Most of the answers here are very much along the lines of ‘it’s just a job’
However, I am what is often described as a method actress. I will look at my scene partner and think about what it would be like to kiss him, touch him, what he would look like naked, what he would do to me if we were alone, those sorts of sexy things. And also if we are working together for more than a day or so, I do tend to get a bit of a crush on my scene partner for a while. It goes away and I’ve never acted on those feelings.”

“It’s like running in the rain. There’s a certain point when you go, ‘[Expletive] it, I’m already wet. I’m not going to get any less wet, so I might as well just enjoy how this feels.’ I mean, sure, there’s awkwardness about being in a weird flesh-colored thong, bouncing on top of an actress. I am not a small human being. I weigh at least 200 pounds and I’m six-foot-two. And Wiig is a twig; she’s a skinny little thing. It’s weird and uncomfortable at first, but then all the awkwardness melts away and you think, All right, we’re doing this, so let’s have fun with it. You know what I mean? You’re in that moment and it’s happening and it’s not going to get any better, so you might as well enjoy it.” — Jon Hamm, on Bridesmaids

For more interesting quotes from celebrities regarding filming sex scenes, you can click on the link here:

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/celebs/a31833/celebrity-quotes-about-filming-sex-scenes/