☐ Are we okay maintaining our regular friendship outside of intimacy?
☐ How affectionate are we comfortable being (cuddling, texting daily, etc.)?
☐ Are we okay spending the night, or is it strictly “hang out then go home”?
☐ What emotional responsibilities do we not want (e.g., regular dates, holiday expectations)?
B. Physical & Sexual Boundaries
☐ Are there any activities one of us isn’t comfortable with?
☐ How often do we expect to meet up?
☐ Are spontaneous hookups okay, or should everything be planned?
C. Social Boundaries
☐ Should our friends know?
☐ Are we okay hanging out in group settings like normal?
☐ Are there any behaviors in public that feel too “couple-like”?
D. Lifestyle & Time Boundaries
☐ Are we okay with late-night texts, or should contact happen earlier?
☐ What happens if one of us starts dating someone else?
☐ How do we handle changes in schedules, stress, or emotional bandwidth?
E. Exit Plan
☐ How do we end this in a way that protects the friendship?
☐ Should we do regular check-ins (e.g., every 2–4 weeks)?
This checklist ensures clarity and protects the connection—both the friendship and the arrangement.
2. A Sample Script for a Boundary Conversation
Below is a natural, pressure-free script you can modify. It works whether you’re starting the FWB or adjusting one.
“Hey, I’m really enjoying our friendship and I want to make sure this is comfortable and positive for both of us.” “Can we talk for a few minutes about what we both want and don’t want? I think it’ll make everything smoother.”
Emotional Expectations
“Just so I’m clear: I’m looking for something fun and casual, without the expectations of dating. Is that how you feel too?” “What does ‘casual’ mean for you? For me, it means no exclusive relationship expectations, but still being respectful and thoughtful.”
Social Boundaries
“How private do you want this to be? I’m okay keeping it low-key, but I’m fine if close friends know too.” “When we’re with other people, do we act like normal friends?”
Timing & Logistics
“How do you feel about late-night texts? Should we plan things ahead of time or keep it spontaneous?”
Exit Plan
“And if either of us starts catching feelings or dating someone else, let’s agree to talk about it honestly. I’d rather protect our friendship than let things get messy.”
This script is direct but kind, non-awkward, and creates space for the other person to express their needs.
3. How to End an FWB Gracefully
Ending an FWB does NOT have to be dramatic or uncomfortable. The key principles are:
A. Be honest, not apologetic
You don’t have to justify your feelings. Something simple works:
“I’ve really enjoyed this, but I feel like it’s time for me to shift out of the physical part of things.”
B. Give a reason without over-explaining
Acceptable reasons include:
You’re catching feelings
They’re catching feelings
You’re starting to date someone
You’re mentally/emotionally busy
It’s simply run its course
You’re not obligated to provide more detail than you want.
C. Reaffirm the friendship
This helps preserve the connection.
“I value our friendship a lot, and I want to make sure we keep that intact.”
D. Offer space if needed
Sometimes things recalibrate naturally.
“If you need a little space to adjust, I completely get it.”
E. Follow through on the boundaries
If physical intimacy ends, don’t send mixed signals.
Example Script (Friendly & Mature)
“I’ve really liked what we’ve had, but I think I need to end the FWB part. I want to make sure our friendship stays solid, and I feel like this is the right time. You’re important to me, and I want us to keep things good between us.”
4. Signs an FWB Might Be Turning Into Something Else
Here are the biggest indicators that the dynamic is shifting toward emotional attachment or developing into a pseudo-relationship.
A. Emotional Attachment Signs
You miss them emotionally, not just physically
You catch yourself wanting to impress them or make them happy
You feel jealous when they date or talk to others
One or both of you start prioritizing each other over other potential partners
B. Behavioral Signs
You’re spending time together outside of sex—movies, errands, chill nights
Sleepovers become more frequent and affectionate
You talk every day or update each other like a couple
You start doing “relationship-style” things (buying gifts, making plans in advance, etc.)
C. Social Signs
Friends start asking if you’re dating
You show a level of physical affection in public
You start meeting each other’s close friends or family more often
D. Emotional Discomfort Signs
You feel anxious if they don’t text back
You’re thinking about exclusivity
You start imagining a future with them
E. Direct Statements
Sometimes it’s obvious:
They say they “feel something”
You notice your feelings growing
They express interest in taking things further
If even 2 or 3 of these signs show up consistently, it’s worth having a conversation to see what direction both of you want to go.
A friends-with-benefits (FWB) arrangement can sound unconventional, but when it’s healthy, consensual, and clearly communicated, it can offer several legitimate benefits. Here’s a full, balanced explanation of why an FWB situation isn’t inherently “bad,” along with the key aspects that shape how well it works.
1. Emotional Aspects
Potential Advantages
Reduced pressure: An FWB dynamic can remove the emotional expectations and performance pressure of a formal relationship. You can enjoy closeness without the responsibilities of a committed partnership.
Companionship without deep attachment: For some people—especially if they’re not in a place for a serious relationship—light emotional connection plus physical intimacy strikes a healthy balance.
Familiarity and trust: Since you already know each other as friends, you may feel safer and more comfortable than with a random hookup.
Potential Challenges
Emotional mismatch: One person might develop deeper feelings. This doesn’t make the arrangement “bad,” but it does mean clear communication is crucial.
Ambiguity: If expectations aren’t spelled out, assumptions can lead to hurt feelings or misunderstandings.
2. Physical & Practical Aspects
Potential Advantages
Consistency and safety: Instead of seeking multiple new sexual partners, FWBs offer a familiar person with whom you can establish boundaries, trust, and safer-sex practices.
Physical autonomy: Adults who enjoy intimacy but don’t want the logistical complexity of a relationship may find this setup meets their needs effectively.
Convenience: It fits into busy lives without requiring the level of commitment that relationships often need (planning, compromise, emotional labor).
Potential Challenges
Routine can change: If either person dates someone new or priorities shift, the arrangement has to evolve or end.
Complacency about boundaries: Because it’s casual, some people forget to regularly check in about consent, comfort levels, or health practices.
3. Social Aspects
Potential Advantages
Redefining norms: Modern relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all, and FWB arrangements can empower people to explore connection in ways that genuinely suit their lifestyle and values.
Respect for autonomy: It encourages communication about needs, boundaries, and expectations—skills valuable in any relationship.
Potential Challenges
External judgments: Some people still see FWBs as “less legitimate,” but that’s a social bias, not an inherent flaw.
Friend group complexity: If you share mutual friends, secrecy or awkwardness can arise, though clear communication can help prevent this.
4. Emotional Maturity & Communication Requirements
For an FWB relationship to not be bad—and actually to work well—these factors make the biggest difference:
Clear boundaries (e.g., exclusivity, frequency of hanging out, emotional expectations)
Regular check-ins to make sure the arrangement still feels good for both
Honesty about feelings if they change
Mutual respect for each other’s autonomy, schedules, and romantic lives
An understanding that the arrangement might naturally end as life circumstances shift
FWB only tends to become “bad” when these skills are missing. When they are present, an FWB can be a healthy, low-pressure way to experience connection.
5. Personal Growth Benefits
Learning communication skills: Because you have to be explicit about needs and boundaries, you often become a better communicator.
Exploring what you want: Many people discover their relationship preferences—casual or serious—through experiences like FWBs.
Maintaining independence: You get intimacy without compromising personal goals, schedules, or emotional bandwidth.
A friends-with-benefits arrangement isn’t inherently negative. In fact, it can be positive, fulfilling, and healthy when both people:
Understand what they want
Communicate openly
Respect each other’s boundaries
Stay honest as circumstances evolve
It’s not “less than” a relationship—it’s simply a different type of connection that works well for certain people in certain stages of their lives. However, FWB arrangements work best when both people are explicit about expectations. It’s essential to establish some ground rules to protect both individuals in the arrangement, which I have detailed below.
A. Communication Rules
Check-ins every so often to make sure both people still feel comfortable.
Be honest if feelings change—romantic or otherwise.
Say when you need to pause or end the arrangement without guilt.
B. Emotional Boundaries
Clarify the emotional tone: Are you purely physical? Are you okay hanging out as regular friends too?
Limit couple-like behaviors (e.g., meeting the parents, celebrating anniversaries) to avoid blurred lines.
Agree on the level of affection outside of intimacy—some people want hugs/cuddles, others prefer distance.
C. Physical & Sexual Boundaries
Safer-sex agreements: STI testing schedules, barrier use, exclusivity or non-exclusivity.
Define what activities are on or off limits, just like any consensual arrangement.
Decide how spontaneous or scheduled the meetups should be.
D. Lifestyle & Practical Agreements
Respect each other’s time and privacy.
No unannounced drop-ins (a very common rule).
Clarify what happens if one person starts dating someone else—usually, the FWB ends out of respect.
These aren’t rigid “rules” but rather guidelines to prevent misunderstandings and protect the friendship.
2. How to Talk About Boundaries in an FWB
Many people avoid the boundary talk because they think it will feel awkward—but it actually prevents awkwardness later. Here’s how to do it in a straightforward, low-stress way.
A. Start with the Purpose
Example: “Just so we’re on the same page, I want this to be fun, respectful, and comfortable for both of us.”
Setting the tone removes defensiveness.
B. Cover the Core Topics
A boundary talk can be structured around four main questions:
What are we looking for emotionally? – “Are we keeping this casual? What does ‘casual’ mean for you?”
What are our expectations physically? – “How do you feel about exclusivity? What safer-sex practices do we both want?”
What are our social boundaries? – “How private do you want to keep this? Are we acting like normal friends in public?”
What happens if something changes? – “If either of us catches feelings or starts dating someone else, what do we do?”
C. Keep it open-ended, not confrontational
Instead of statements like:
“I don’t want you catching feelings.”
Try:
“How do you usually handle emotions in more casual situations?”
Questions invite openness rather than defensiveness.
D. Revisit boundaries occasionally
A quick check-in every few weeks keeps things healthy:
“Everything still feel good to you?”
“Anything you want to adjust?”
This normalizes honesty.
3. Pros vs. Cons Compared to Casual Dating or Traditional Relationships
Below is a clear comparison of FWB vs casual dating vs traditional relationships, showing unique strengths and tradeoffs.
A. Friends With Benefits (FWB)
Pros
Low commitment, low pressure
Familiarity and trust already there
Safe, consistent intimacy without the emotional labor of dating
Flexible for busy or transitional periods of life
Clear communication can deepen the friendship
Cons
Risk of emotional imbalance
Friendship can become complicated if someone wants more
Harder to navigate once outside relationships enter the picture
Social stigma or misunderstanding
Potential for blurred lines without clear boundaries
B. Casual Dating (but not exclusive)
Pros
Opportunity to explore romantic interest without commitment
Freedom to see multiple people
Lower expectations than a relationship
May naturally progress to something more if both feel it
Cons
Less trust and familiarity than with a friend
Can involve mixed signals or inconsistent communication
More emotional ambiguity (“Are we moving forward or not?”)
Possibility of ghosting or flakiness
C. Traditional Relationship (committed)
Pros
Emotional depth and partnership
Stability, support, and long-term planning
Societal understanding and acceptance
Clear expectations around loyalty, time, and bonding
Cons
Requires significant emotional labor
Less personal freedom and spontaneity
Higher stakes when conflicts arise
Not ideal if you’re in a life stage where you can’t commit
Can carry more pressure or expectations
Summary
FWB is best for people who want:
Physical intimacy without romantic responsibilities
Clear, honest communication
Flexibility and independence
A dynamic that can adjust or end without drama
Casual dating is best for people who want:
Romance and exploration without full commitment
The possibility of a relationship, but not the demand for one
Meeting new people and experimenting socially
Traditional relationships are best for people who want:
There’s something almost magical about meeting someone organically — in a way that feels unforced and serendipitous. Maybe it happens at a friend’s gathering, in line at a coffee shop, or during a random conversation that unexpectedly stretches for hours. When you meet someone in real life, there’s an immediate energy — you see their mannerisms, hear their laugh, feel their presence. The connection unfolds naturally, without filters or curated profiles. You don’t have to guess if there’s chemistry; you feel it, in the way your heart speeds up or how the conversation flows effortlessly. That kind of spark — that instinctive, magnetic pull — is something no algorithm can replicate.
By contrast, dating apps can feel like a never-ending loop of small talk, swiping, and disappointment. You scroll through endless profiles, reading the same recycled prompts and smiling pictures, trying to decide who might actually feel real in person. You invest time chatting with someone who seems great on paper — they have the right job, hobbies, maybe even your sense of humor — only to meet and realize there’s no physical attraction, no spark, just a polite disconnect. It’s disheartening. Add to that the flakiness: people disappearing mid-conversation, canceling last minute, or simply losing interest. After a while, the whole thing starts to feel like a chore rather than an adventure.
That’s why those organic connections feel so precious. They remind you that chemistry can’t be engineered — that when you really click with someone, it’s electric, immediate, and deeply human. You can’t swipe your way to that kind of connection; it happens when you’re simply living your life and, somehow, the right person crosses your path.
Dating apps can be incredibly frustrating for women over 50 — and not just a little. They often feel like a wasteland of bad profiles, lazy conversations, and mismatched intentions. Here’s a breakdown of why dating apps suck for women in this age group, and what kinds of challenges they’re running into.
1. The Men on These Apps Are… Not Great (Often)
Let’s start with the elephant in the room: the dating pool.
❌ Emotionally Unavailable or Damaged
A lot of older men on apps are freshly divorced, widowed, or never dealt with their emotional baggage. Instead of seeking genuine connection, they’re:
Still hung up on their ex.
Testing the waters post-divorce.
Looking for someone to “fix” them.
❌ Looking for Younger Women
Many men in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s swipe right on women 20 years younger. So if you’re a 50-something-year-old woman hoping to date someone age-appropriate, you’ll often be overlooked — while those same men chase women in their 30s and 40s.
❌ Catfishers, Scammers, and Creeps
Unfortunately, women over 50 are heavily targeted by romance scammers posing as military men, oil rig engineers, or conveniently “wealthy but lonely” entrepreneurs. Some are real men with fake intentions; others are entirely fraudulent.
2. Conversations Are Mind-Numbingly Awful
Even if you match with someone decent-looking and age-appropriate, the conversation is often a disaster.
💤 Boring and Generic Openers
“Hi”
“How are you?”
“You’re beautiful :)”
After decades of life experience, it’s insulting to get messages with the depth of a damp napkin. Where’s the spark?
🧱 Zero Effort
No follow-up questions.
No interest in your personality.
All replies are one-word answers or just emojis.
It feels like you’re carrying the entire conversation — and frankly, after raising kids, holding careers, and managing life, who has the energy to drag a grown man into a coherent discussion?
🛏️ Quick to Turn Sexual
Many men skip straight to innuendo, sexting, or asking what you’re “into.” Some will ask for nudes within five messages. It’s not flirtation — it’s objectification, and it’s exhausting.
3. The Algorithms Aren’t Your Friend
Most dating apps are built around engagement, not compatibility. They favor:
Younger users.
Profiles with high swiping activity.
People who conform to narrow beauty standards.
Women over 50 often get fewer matches because the system simply isn’t designed for them. The more you swipe without matching, the more the algorithm deprioritizes your profile.
4. It’s Hard to Find People With Real Intentions
By 50, most women know what they want. Whether it’s companionship, romance, or sex — clarity matters. But the men on apps often:
Say they want a relationship but act like they want a fling.
Say they’re “easygoing” but can’t handle a strong woman.
Aren’t emotionally mature enough for a serious connection.
5. It Can Feel Like a Second Job
Crafting a profile.
Finding good photos.
Screening creeps.
Starting and maintaining conversations.
Deciding whether someone is legit.
It’s time-consuming, emotionally draining, and often leads nowhere.
Final Thoughts:
For many women over 50, dating apps are more disappointing than hopeful. The problem isn’t the age — it’s the quality of the interactions and the lack of emotionally mature, genuine men. The design of these platforms — shallow, swipe-based, and appearance-driven — makes it worse.
Dating today can feel particularly challenging due to a variety of factors, both social and technological. I can honestly say that I frequently consider abandoning the whole idea of meeting new people and going on dates, simply because making such efforts can be incredibly disappointing and frustrating. Here are some of the key reasons why dating in the modern era can be difficult:
1. Online Dating and the Paradox of Choice
With the advent of dating apps and websites, there is an overwhelming number of potential matches to choose from. While this may seem like an advantage, it can lead to what is known as the “paradox of choice” — too many options can make it harder to commit to one person. The ease of swiping left or right may also foster a mindset of “better options are just a click away,” which prevents deeper connection and commitment from developing.
2. Superficiality and Instant Gratification
Modern dating, especially through apps, tends to prioritize appearance, quick judgment, and instant gratification. Swiping based on looks can overshadow personality, values, and long-term compatibility. This shallow approach can make it difficult to form genuine, meaningful relationships that go beyond initial attraction.
3. Fear of Commitment
Many people today, especially younger generations, struggle with the concept of long-term commitment. There’s a societal shift toward prioritizing personal freedom, career advancement, and self-exploration over traditional relationship milestones like marriage and family. This can make dating feel like a series of short-term flings or “situationships,” rather than opportunities for serious partnerships.
4. High Expectations and Pressure
Social media and dating apps often present unrealistic standards of beauty, success, and happiness, which can put undue pressure on individuals to meet these expectations. As a result, some people may find it difficult to live up to the curated versions of themselves that they feel they must present to the world. Additionally, with all the “perfect couples” posted online, there is a heightened sense of competition and comparison, which can make people feel inadequate or unsure about their own dating lives.
5. Ghosting, Bread-crumbing, and Other Toxic Behaviors
The rise of digital communication has led to an increase in negative dating behaviors, such as ghosting (cutting off all communication without explanation), bread-crumbing (giving just enough attention to keep someone interested but without committing), and benching (keeping someone as a backup option). These behaviors are often easier to get away with in online dating, where anonymity and lack of accountability allow for more casual disregard of others’ feelings. Such experiences can make people wary of opening up to others, leading to distrust and cynicism.
6. Timing and Life Circumstances
The pace of life today can complicate dating. Many people are busy with careers, studies, or personal goals, leaving little time to invest in meaningful relationships. Additionally, as people reach different life stages, they may have different priorities. For example, one person may be focused on settling down and starting a family, while another might be more interested in casual dating or personal growth, leading to mismatched expectations.
7. Cultural Shifts and Changing Norms
Social and cultural shifts have altered traditional dating norms. Gender roles are evolving, and there’s more emphasis on finding equality and mutual respect in relationships. While this is largely positive, it can also lead to confusion around expectations, especially when people from different backgrounds or with different experiences come together. For example, the way men and women approach dating has changed, and these shifts may create misunderstandings or mixed signals about intentions, roles, and commitments.
8. Mental Health and Emotional Baggage
Many people today are more aware of mental health issues, but the increasing rates of anxiety, depression, and relationship trauma can make dating more difficult. The fear of vulnerability, past emotional wounds, or unresolved issues can make it hard to form healthy, trusting connections. Furthermore, the pressure to be “perfect” for a potential partner can exacerbate self-esteem issues, preventing people from fully opening up or engaging in the dating process.
9. Globalization and Long-Distance Relationships
Technology has made it easier to meet people from all over the world, but long-distance relationships can bring unique challenges. While digital communication can help maintain connections, physical distance, time zone differences, and limited in-person interaction can make it difficult to develop a deep bond. Additionally, some people might be hesitant to commit to someone they can’t easily see in person or feel pressure to keep up with the demands of maintaining a virtual relationship.
10. Changing Attitudes Toward Sex and Intimacy
In some ways, attitudes toward sex and intimacy have become more open and fluid, which can be liberating. However, this also complicates dating, as some individuals may have very different approaches or expectations about what sex, love, or commitment should look like. This can create friction in relationships, as mismatched desires or differing levels of emotional intimacy can lead to confusion or frustration.
11. Lack of Social Skills or Face-to-Face Interaction
As more people engage in online or app-based dating, the art of face-to-face communication and the ability to navigate the subtleties of in-person interactions have weakened. Social skills like reading body language, tone, or recognizing cues of interest or disinterest are less developed for those who rely heavily on texting or online chat. This can result in awkward, disjointed, or frustrating experiences when people finally meet in person.
12. Societal Pressure to Find “The One”
There’s a pervasive cultural narrative that tells people they need to find “the one,” or that their soulmate is out there waiting for them. This notion can make the dating process feel like an all-or-nothing endeavor, where any date that doesn’t lead to a deep connection is seen as a failure. It also places immense pressure on individuals to find someone who meets every one of their needs, making it harder to accept imperfections or to build relationships gradually.
In summary, modern dating is more complex than ever due to technological advancements, evolving cultural norms, and shifting expectations. While it offers new opportunities to connect with others, it also introduces new challenges. Navigating this landscape requires patience, clear communication, self-awareness, and an openness to building deeper connections in a world that often emphasizes speed, convenience, and surface-level interactions.
About a month ago, I went on a date with a man I will call Oliver. We started out with drinks, and as the evening progressed, we had a nice dinner, all the while enjoying stimulating conversation. I was actually excited about the prospect of seeing him again. Then one of my 14 year old cats became ill and died within several days, and my attention was diverted away from Oliver. I was very honest with him and told him I needed the weekend to process the death of my beloved cat, but he was insistent and kept pressuring me to pay attention to him, which only aggravated me. He finally backed off, and I contacted him at the beginning of the following week. We exchanged some nice sentiments via text, and I let him know that I was open to seeing him again.
About ten days passed without a peep from Oliver, so I contacted him to say hello. He informed me that his mother was ill with pneumonia, and that he had been at her home taking care of her. I expressed my wishes for his mother’s recovery, and told him to let me know when he was available. I heard from him three days later, on a Thursday, when he sent me this text:
I want to make it up to you because I like you and I feel that there’s a good connection between us. So please consider this, if you have any time over the weekend, I would love to see you over the weekend if not the beginning of the week. Give us a chance, OK? I will make it up to you Stacey.
Oliver ghosted me for another ten days, then suddenly popped up with text messages like, “I want to marry you”. It was as if he was incapable of exhibiting consistent behavior, which was a major turn-off for me. One morning, he asked me to give him a day on which we could have a second date, so I accommodated his request. Just as I expected, he completely ghosted me on the day he had selected for our second date, so I gave him a piece of my mind via text and blocked the jerk.
I recently hopped onto a dating site in an effort to keep myself in circulation, and convinced myself to consider men who weren’t my type, but who might be suitable potential partners. One member who contacted me had a very interesting profile, and though he wasn’t physically my type, I was intrigued enough to chat with him. Once the message stream ensued and we switched over to text messaging, the man (I’ll call him Adofo) began texting me on a daily basis, not to say hello, but to ask me if I was free to hang out. Since the nature of my daily life rarely allows me to be spontaneous and make last minute plans, and also since I was preparing for an international trip, I made it clear to Adofo that my time was limited. He then agreed to meet me on a Sunday, so I added the meeting to my calendar.
Adofo texted me two days before our planned date, asking if I was free that evening, to which I replied that I was not. He then texted me the following day, and since the plans I had for Saturday had fallen through, I told him that I did indeed have the evening open. Adofo instructed me to meet him on his side of town, which bothered me for two reasons: I had driven all over town the entire week and wanted to take a break from driving long distances once the weekend arrived, and also because I am a bit old-fashioned and expect the man to come to my neck of the woods for the first date. When I told him that I had no intention of driving to Venice, he told me he would schedule an Uber. I then waited for the Uber, which never came because the app wasn’t allowing Adofo to schedule a pickup at my location.
He told me that I needed to hurry up and get to Venice before 5 pm, not considering the fact that he tried lining up the Uber at 4:15 pm. He also told me that we would grab a bite to eat at an Italian restaurant, to which I replied, “Italian isn’t good for me because of the gluten”. I asked if we could find a restaurant with cleaner fare, to which he replied, “oh, you’ll find something to eat there”.
I tried to schedule a Lyft, but the soonest pickup time was in 20 minutes, so I told Adofo I would drive in my own car. I asked him to tell me where to meet him, and he simply said, “Alehouse”, as if he expected me to know the place. I told him to please send me the address, since I was already annoyed by the fact that I had to drive out to Venice. He said, “look it up”, and I bristled, telling him that I was making the effort to come out his way, that I had been standing outside for the Uber which never came, and that I had attempted to schedule a Lyft. I insisted on having him text me the address.
A few minutes after I began driving, Adofo texted me and told me to meet him at his place because I would be able to park my car there. I didn’t respond since I was driving. I got a second text from him, suggesting that we meet at the Italian restaurant, which I also did not respond to because I was driving. I already had the address for Alehouse in my GPS and I wasn’t about to change it. By this time I was extremely irritated and had actually thought of turning around and going home, but I didn’t want to come across as a flake, and drove out to Venice.
Of course Venice was packed with traffic, and I couldn’t find any parking. I pulled over and texted Adofo, informing him that I had passed the Alehouse and was looking for parking, and he called me. He said, “Hey, where are ya?” I told him I was in my car, that parking and traffic were major issues. He said, “Get over here!” I told him that I was a couple of blocks down and that because the traffic was terrible, he needed to understand that I needed a few minutes to return to the Alehouse entrance. He then said, “Pick me up in front of Alehouse, I’ll get into your car and we’ll find parking”.
When Adofo got into my car, he immediately said, “Wow, you’re really fucking cute! You’re so pretty! Give me a kiss!” I refused, which prompted him to say, “Wow, you’re spicy! A sassy bitch, I like you!” I told him that I had to start driving, that there were cars behind me, so he relented for about 20 seconds, then asked me what my sign was. I said, “Moon child. Cancer.” His eyes widened, and he remarked, “Me too! When’s your birthday?” “July 9th.” “Mine’s June 27th. Wow, I can’t believe you’re a Cancer. And you’re 56, wow. You don’t look 56. I’m 52. You’re 56, you’re older than me.” I told Adofo that he needed to direct me to the parking lot he wanted me to park in, that we could talk later.
Adofo seemed annoyed that I wouldn’t humor him, but proceeded to direct me to a parking structure. I parked the car, and as I was walking from the car, he grabbed me by the waist, exclaimed, “Give me a hug!”, and squeezed me tight, which annoyed me even more. Adofo then said, “Give me a kiss!” I told him no, so he said, “Dammit, you’re so fucking stubborn! Wow.” We walked to the restaurant and took two seats at the bar, and as soon as the bartender saw Adofo, he approached Adofo and said, “Hey man, you’ve got some open tabs to pay”, and he placed 4 receipts in front of Adofo.
I had forgotten my cell phone in my car, so I excused myself to get it. For a fleeting moment, I seriously considered just driving away, but once again, I didn’t want to be that kind of person, so I reluctantly returned to the restaurant and took my seat at the bar. Adofo immediately scooted my barstool closer to him so that my thigh was touching his, and he slipped his hand around my waist and pulled me in tighter. By this time I was so disgusted, and figured that the evening was probably going to go downhill, but I tried to make the best of it and ask him questions about his life and career. Oddly, Adofo didn’t ask me a single question about me or my life, but in true narcissistic fashion, was delighted to talk about himself.
Adofo proceeded to ask me three more times when my birthday was, and each time, he said, “Oh wow, you’re a Cancer!”, which made me think that perhaps this man was suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s. He also kept mentioning my age, and at one point, he told me that at 56, I was near 60, that I needed to hustle and get a man and get my life in order. Another thing Adofo kept saying was, “You’re gonna be my girlfriend, I just know it. Will you be my girlfriend? You don’t have to give me an answer today, tomorrow is fine.” At one point in the evening, he said, “I know it’s very 5th grade of me to ask you to be my girlfriend, but I like you”, and then at another point, he said “I know it’s very 3th grade of me to ask you to be my girlfriend, but I like you”. He certainly was behaving like someone in grade school, but I guess he didn’t remember what grade he was in (hah!). He wasn’t acting like a 52 year old man, that’s for sure.
We ordered drinks, and when I asked for a vermentino, Adofo scoffed and said, “Oh, you like WHITE wine. Whatever, I like red wine.” I guess in his estimation it was unacceptable for me to prefer white wine. He also told me to order food from the happy hour menu, not the main menu, and while I was perusing the happy hour menu, Adofo said, “No, don’t look at that, I’ll order for us, you’ll like what I order. I’ll get Arancini (rice balls with cheese, battered and deep fried, full of gluten), penne pasta (full of gluten), chicken meatballs (gluten), and bone marrow (served with bread, another gluten bomb).”
When the food came, I wanted the bone marrow, but Adofo dumped portions of the other dishes onto my plate, and said I HAD to eat the other items. I carry one of two genetic markers for celiac disease, and I also suffer from leaky gut, so my trepidation over consuming gluten is very real. I guess the only good thing was that the portions were small, since they were appetizers. Adofo ended up wearing some of the meal because he was such a slob, and the sauce stains streaked all over his shirt made me want to avoid him even more.
As soon as he wolfed down the majority of the food, he said, “Let’s get out of here. We can hang out at my place, get a bottle of wine.” I told him I was still hungry and would like to get a small salad, to which he replied, “Nah, we’ll order one to go. We’ll also get another bone marrow appetizer.” He ordered the to go items, asked for the check, and paid the bill. Once we had the to go order, we walked to my car, got in, and I began driving. As I was driving, Adofo said, “Hey, let’s watch the sunset!” “Adofo, there is COMPLETE cloud cover, so we won’t see a thing.” “Ah come on! Let’s go!” I told him no, and he once again accused me of being stubborn.
Adofo directed me to a parking spot in back of his place which I was comfortable with since it was out in the open, and in a well trafficked alley. We then walked up to his place, and when I mentioned that perhaps we could go to the liquor store which was across the street for wine, he brushed me off and told me we would do that later. His apartment was plain, old, and indicative of someone who really hadn’t made it in life, so I wasn’t surprised by it. I excused myself to use the restroom, and when I walked into the living area, Adofo went into the kitchen and opened a beer. I asked him if we could go to the liquor store, since I can’t drink beer, and he replied, “Not right now, hold on.” Sigh.
I took a seat on his very tiny sofa, and he sat at the small round plastic table which served as his desk as well as his dining room table. He opened his laptop and was staring at the screen while I spoke with him, a lapse in manners which I had learned to accept from Adofo at this point. I asked him how long he had been living in his apartment, and he told me he moved in there in 2020, right after his father died. I told him that my father had died in 2020 as well, and how that year was difficult for many people. I asked him if he had lived in Malaysia (he had mentioned that to me when we first began messaging each other) immediately before moving into his current space, and he said he had. He mentioned that people in southeast Asia are different, that the life there is in many ways better. Then he said, “You’re going to Thailand, right?” “Yes I am, in a week.” “You’ll like it there.”
I told Adofo that I had been to Thailand before, that it would be my second visit, and that I had been to 18 countries. I started listing the countries, and he interrupted me in mid-sentence, barking, “Come here.” I told him that I was in mid-sentence trying to talk to him, and he responded with, “What were you saying?” “Okay Adofo, clearly you weren’t listening to what I was saying. Never mind.” “No, come on, tell me.” “Nope, I’m over it.”
“Well, just come over here already.” I walked over to the table, and he grabbed me by the waist, telling me to kiss him. I said no and took several steps back, then happened to glance at his laptop screen, on which he had Murray Head’s “One Night In Bangkok” music video occupying the entire screen and cued up to the beginning. I said, “I’m well acquainted with that song and with the video, so unless there’s a specific point in the video you want to show me, I’m good.”
Adofo then looked at me and said, “You’re 56. I still can’t believe it, you look really good. Do you want babies?” I told him, “Listen, I’ve been through menopause. The factory is shut down, I can’t have kids.” Adofo’s gaze sank to my crotch, and he said, “Let me see.”
“Excuse me?”
“Let me see it. Let me see your vagina.”
“I’m DONE.”
I turned to the sofa, grabbed my handbag, and rushed out of that apartment as fast as I possibly could, and once I was in the alley, I ran to my car. Adofo chased me the entire way, and tried to block me as I drove away. Within a couple of minutes, I blocked him on the dating app, on Instagram, and also blocked his phone number. Thankfully, it was still light outside, I was in a very busy urban area, and I was actually relieved that I had my car, because I was able to make a quick getaway.
Ladies, make sure to carry pepper spray to protect yourself in a similar situation.
Guys, please don’t be like Adofo! Such behavior is one sure way to keep women at bay for good.
I recently went through a breakup with a man I had been seeing since September of last year. He always seemed to have a player vibe, but I chose to ignore it because we truly had a lot of fun together. When we began dating, I was on a dating app, and was seeing another man who seemed to have great long term potential, but that guy’s efforts fell flat, so George conveniently slid into the boyfriend spot which had been open for quite a while.
Every time George and I would hang out, alcohol had to be present, and when it was time to turn in for the night, he would reach for a 100 mg THC gummy, without which he was entirely unable to sleep. This was cause for concern, since I only ever saw George sober at the beginning of our evenings together, and the following morning when he was once again sober. It was during one evening when we were drinking and chatting that George revealed to me that for a number years, he had been seeing two women simultaneously, and that both relationships were fairly serious. I was concerned by this, and just couldn’t figure out how a man could dupe one woman while also seeing another woman who was fully cognizant of the deception. He went on to describe how he and the woman who was aware that there was another love interest would party all the time. George eventually broke up with the gal who was kept in the dark and continued his relationship with the wild woman, but that relationship became extremely toxic according to him, and he ultimately left her.
So here I was, in a so-called “relationship” with George, and for whatever reason, I didn’t end things when I realized that he had no intention of ever allowing me to see where he lived. According to him, he lived with his mother and stepdad, and he stated that his mother wouldn’t like me since she hadn’t been fond of his former girlfriends. I was basically told that I was doomed from the start as far as his mom was concerned. After 8 months of dating George, I complained about his refusal to let me see where and how he lived, which led to an argument in which he stated that he didn’t want me to just “show up unannounced”. I have never once in my life shown up at anyone’s place unannounced, much less at the residence of someone I was dating. George ended up winning the argument, and I ended up going out with George for eleven months without ever seeing where he lived.
George’s affectionate nature cooled significantly about 8 months in, and he stopped making an effort to see me more than once a week, stating that work obligations were keeping him busy. To be honest, I never believed that, and I truly do think he was messing around. He finally and abruptly broke up with me one night, so I revisited the dating app where we had met, only to find him on the app with an active profile. Shame on me for even thinking that this man was capable of being faithful to one person!
If you’ve been in the dating world for any span of time, I am willing to bet that you have at least one story about a bad dating experience. There have been a few doozies in my dating life, but one in particular was particularly aggravating. I’ve gotten so many laughs from relaying the story about Max that I figured my subscribers would also get a chuckle out of it.
I met Max (and yes, that was his real name) at a Halloween party in 2009 at the Skirball Center on Sepulveda Blvd. While I was at the party, a very nondescript man who was not at all my type approached me, began talking to me, and followed me around. You guessed it, this was Max. He refused to leave my side, cockblocked a number of men who were my type, and just annoyed me to no end. When I decided to leave the party, he hounded me for my phone number, and for some utterly stupid reason, I gave it to him.
Max called me the next day, asking if I was free, to which I replied that I was watching Sunday NFL Football with my roommates. Without hesitation, Max invited himself over, and because I was so distracted by the activity in the house, I relented and gave him my address. When Max showed up at my place, he was empty handed, and promptly asked if we had beer or some other libation he could enjoy. I opened up a bottle of sake and poured two glasses. About 30 minutes after Max showed up, my two roommates stated that they were planning to put some burgers and chicken on the grill, and invited Max and me to join them in consuming the food. Once the food was cooked, the four of us sat in front of the TV, eating, drinking, and watching the game. A big smile broke on Max’s face, and he said, “Wow, this is awesome! I’m getting free food, free booze, and I’m watching football!” which made me cringe and also triggered concerned expressions on both my roommates’ faces.
Once the afternoon game was over, I told Max I had an early day the next day, and thanked him for coming over. Max stated that he would make it up to me the following week by taking me to dinner, to which I reluctantly agreed. Two days later, Max called me and we made plans to meet at a restaurant called Firefly in Studio City that Friday. For those of you who don’t know the restaurant, here is a portion of the current (2022) dinner menu:
Fried heritage chicken with mashed potatoes & gravy, horseradish slaw and a damn fine buttermilk biscuit (or just as fine GF cornbread for the intolerant) 29
Potato kugel with king trumpet mushrooms, roasted carrots, tofu creamed spinach and truffled demi 28 Red chile braised pork with crinkly sweet potatoes, collard greens, crispy mushrooms and pepita–cilantro salsa 30
Zucchini, corn and poblano enchiladas verdes with black beans, romaine, pickled red onions and cashew crema 27
Moqueca Baiana of rockfish, mussels and scallops with watercress–watermelon radish salad and jasmine rice 31
Dijon crusted ocean trout filet with seared asparagus, quinoa–pine nut pilaf and sauce gribiche 33
Baked mac ‘n cheese with cheddar, gruyere and parmesan bread crumbs 12
On Friday, Max and I met at the restaurant and were seated at a lovely al fresco table. The waiter brought menus and took our drink orders, which consisted of two similar mixed drinks on the rocks. Max perused the menu for several minutes, then looked over at me with a dissatisfied facial gesture. I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied, “I just don’t see anything that is grabbing me, ya know? I think I want to see if they can make a burger for me.” Since I wanted to be a good sport, I told him that if the chef was willing to accommodate his request, I would also have a burger. Well, Max got his wish, and we ordered burgers. We also ordered a second round of drinks.
The burgers were delicious, and our conversation flowed better than I thought it would, but since I felt no romantic spark with Max, I just wanted to get through the date without any awkwardness. Then the waiter placed the bill on the table while Max and I were talking about something that made us both laugh. While still laughing, Max picked up the bill, glanced at it, scowled, threw the bill onto the table, and remarked, “Oh, I can’t pay this!” I picked up the bill and saw that the total was $75, and because I wanted to be accommodating, I suggested that we split the bill, to which he agreed.
Two minutes later, Max scowled (this time at me), said “Wait a minute!”, and grabbed the bill. He studied it for a minute, then remarked, “The drink you ordered is $1 more than mine, and you had two of them, which means you owe $2 more than me.” I just sat there, dumbfounded. Was this guy really that cheap? I was so disgusted and so intent on getting out of that restaurant that I told him, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll pay the whole thing.” I proceeded to pay the entire bill plus tip, because Max didn’t even offer to leave the tip.
When we walked to the valet area to pick up our cars, Max said, “I’ll pay your valet fee if you let me come over” to which I replied, “No thank you, keep your $5.” Needless to say, there was no third date with Max, but he continued to call me, begging me to take him with me to Preview Night at the L.A. Auto Show. I had purchased two tickets (at $100 a pop), and mistakenly mentioned that I was going to the event and was waiting to hear back from a friend who said he wanted to join me. Max truly believed that I would have been willing to take him, on MY dime, to the event. I asked him to please stop calling me, and when he refused to leave me alone, I blocked his number.
I’d love to hear about your nightmare dating stories, so please share in the comments!
Have you ever met someone who seemed to have all the qualities you were looking for in a partner, then after getting to know each other, you kept getting reminders of how much you didn’t like the person? There are two men who come to mind, one whom I dated in 2019 (I’ll call him Sam), and one whom I met during the pandemic (let’s call him Rick). The fact that they were both intelligent and educated actually threw a major wrench in things, because I relish a good intellectual conversation, and didn’t realize that both men simply HAD to be right during any dispute, no matter what. The fact that I had political views which differed from both guys fueled quite a bit of animosity, which strengthened my conviction to avoid any chatter which veered in a political direction.
Things progressed very rapidly with Sam, and by the fourth date, he started referring to me as his girlfriend. Before I knew what was happening, he began to plan out every single weekend for us without consulting with me beforehand. He went so far as to tell me that I would be required to join him and his mother’s family for Thanksgiving, which I completely rejected. It was all too much, too fast, and my independent nature rebelled against Sam’s need to control every part of the relationship. He was also arrogant, had a tendency to insult others whom he deemed less intelligent than him, had the clammiest hands I have ever felt, and was clumsy and terrible in bed (sorry guys, but that matters). I finally ended our relationship after three months via a very heated phone call in which he kept insisting that he had plans for us, and that I was “disobeying” him by breaking up with him. That should tell you something about the hell I went through.
Rick was very different from Sam in a number of respects. First of all, Rick was into fitness and weightlifting, he was very easy on the eyes, and had a more laid back attitude. I soon realized that Rick’s laid back attitude was partially due to a general lack of interest he had in me, which meant that he just wouldn’t make an effort to see me. We’d make plans, and he would conveniently “forget”, stating that he didn’t think we had “PLANS plans”. Rick had even pulled this stunt on Valentine’s Day, when we made plans to get together, only to have him back out with that same lame excuse. The only time we had Zoom calls was when I would suggest that we schedule one, and we didn’t even go out in public until late July of this year. I bet if I hadn’t complained that we had only seen each other in person 6 times over the span of 8 months, and that we would meet either at his home or mine, we would have never gone anywhere. I enjoyed going to a restaurant so much that I suggested that we go out for sushi a month later, and stated that it would be my treat. I figured that at least I would be able to enjoy the sushi meal as well. It didn’t surprise me that Rick didn’t flake this time, and made sure to honor plans for the sushi dinner I had offered to finance. Only moments after I paid the bill, which was over $200, Rick actually complained that he preferred the plain sushi selections over the more exotic ones, so I decided right then and there that I would never take him for sushi again.
Rick had a tendency to dole out unsolicited medical advice numerous times when I mentioned maladies such as neck pain or a rash. Who on earth would have the nerve to deliver medical advice to a board certified physician? Rick would, and it infuriated me every single time. Another very rude habit he had was that he ALWAYS had his phone by his side, and would often look at it, even while I was talking to him. We also argued about politics, cars, and spending habits, and as I realized how little common sense this guy had, my attraction to him flickered out like a snuffed out candle.
One of these days, it would be nice to meet someone who isn’t contentious, arrogant, flaky, or controlling.
12910749
dr. stacey naito's blog 