It’s a bizarre and devastating experience to be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. What is frightening is that by the time you realize that you are in a relationship with one, you are wrapped around their little finger, ensnared, and under their complete control. Narcissists know exactly how to invade your sense of self. They will lie to you, trick you and everyone else into believing they can do no wrong, then once you are solidly in their spell, no amount of struggling will set you free. It is only when you are completely drained and discarded by the narcissist that you can be freed. The narcissist always calls the shots.
Narcissists are abusive, manipulative, controlling, yet they will convince you into upholding the illusion they have created for themselves and those around them that they are great people. The rest of the world is tricked into believing that the narcissist is so wonderful, and that you must be nuts for not sharing that opinion. You will feel like you can’t reveal them for what they truly are, because they will threaten and bully you to the point where your fear of them will overwhelm your desire to expose them.
They will take away your power, slowly but surely. I used to refer to one ex as kryptonite, because he truly was that for me. Any time I tried to stand up for myself, I just lacked the strength to do so. What’s crazy is that I wasn’t like that in other relationships either, only with him. He would bully me, toss me aside, then pull me back to him all on his whim, and I would willingly allow him to do that to me repeatedly.
Narcissists lack the emotional equipment to genuinely love, and they are also incapable of feeling empathy. The driving force for narcissists to establish romantic relationships is to gain the attention they so desperately crave, and to have a whipping boy to throw all their angst onto. Having been the whipping boy, I can tell you it is pure torture to be under the rule of a narcissist. And since narcissists never want to play by the rules, some may stubbornly refuse to hold down solid, gainful employment because it is somehow beneath them. Never mind that they can’t make ends meet, their stubborn pride won’t allow them to suck it up and do what’s necessary, especially if there is an empath or codependent who is under their control and willing to rescue them. Narcissists always exclude themselves from the rest of the crowd, believing that they are indeed special and worth more than those around them. This exaggerated sense of self-importance never abates either.
A codependent or empath who is in a relationship with a narcissist strives constantly to obtain the approval of the narcissist. However, nothing is ever good enough for the narcissist, and the codependent is made to feel worthless. Everything is the fault of the codependent, and the narcissist always walks away unscathed.
The following passage which I found online blew me away. It is very descriptive of the attraction between empaths and narcissists:
“Empaths/Highly Sensitive people are hypersensitive to the emotions and energy of other people. They are often natural healers and caretakers, both admirable traits to have. Unfortunately, these traits often lead to being vibrationally attracted to Narcissists. This explains the recent focus on Empaths and Narcissists in a relationship. The Empath/HSP is a natural giver, while the Narcissist is in an infinite state of need. They literally attract one another like magnets.”
When I was in one relationship with a narcissist, I also suffered from adrenal burnout and severe hormonal imbalance. If I had remained in this toxic relationship, I am sure I would have met an early demise. Some researchers have determined that long-term stress causes changes in one’s DNA. Psychological abuse from being in a relationship with a narcissist is also considerable, and once the relationship has ended, the victim can experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) and severe depression.
Narcissists walk through life with armor which functions as their façade or false self. They will present only those behaviors which will earn them attention and praise. The charming person who presents to the outside world and who also shows up right after an episode of bullying is the same person who will insult, invalidate and demean his or her partner every day. The partner learns to blame himself or herself when confronted with the narcissist’s abusive behavior, and will go to great lengths to appease the narcissist. However, once the narcissist has moved into the devaluation phase of the relationship, nothing the partner can do will win the narcissist’s favor. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation in which any anger or frustration demonstrated by the partner will be construed as an attack, while sitting in silent suffering will cause the narcissist to view the partner with complete disdain.
Once the narcissist has moved into the discard phase, the abuser is in full view. He will reveal his complete cruelty and indifference to you as you are kicked to the curb like a dirty rag. All that shows is pure contempt and hatred, and your value drops to zero in the narcissist’s eyes because you are no longer of any use to him.
At that point, the best thing to do is to BLOCK the narcissist from your life and move on. Be thankful that you were finally set free from a hideous cycle of psychological abuse. Love yourself, value who you are, and heal.
Here is my final message to the narcissists who tricked me into being with them.
One day you will kick yourself for not recognizing what you had when you had it. I no longer care if you suffer, and know that it was never my responsibility to rescue you financially or emotionally, despite the fact that I did it for years. You constantly told me that I wasn’t what you wanted, and were so intent on destroying anything good, anything viable, anything that diverted even the slightest bit of attention away from you. I was never allowed to show my feelings, positive or negative. I wasn’t allowed to be affectionate, or tell you how much I loved you. I learned to expect you to reject every spontaneous hug, caress or kiss from me. Stupid me for not seeing that you didn’t appreciate ANYTHING I did.
You taught my heart that opening up was somehow naughty, something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. You would get angry at me for the stupidest things, and you took me to Crazytown because that’s where you lived. I was never good enough, pretty enough, just never enough in your eyes. You treated me like the enemy because I now see that you were MY enemy. I could never do right by you.
The shackles are gone. I am free. Thank you.